NWA Heartland presented by Daytondave

[EpicDave]

King of the Indies: CHIKARA proudly presents:






Saturday, May 13, 2017
UIC Pavilion, Chicago, Illinois

The show opens with the tune, "Right Now" by Van Halen playing throughout the pavilion. The fans are clapping and stomping with excitement as DAYTONDAVE and WARLORD make their way down to ringside.

Daytondave: Good evening, fans, and welcome to Heartland Havoc LXXXI: Right Now!

Warlord: It's finally Right Now? I have been waiting for Right Now almost forever!

Daytondave: Right Now, nobody rocks like Van Halen, and nobody delivers professional wrestling action like the superstars of CHIKARA. ADAM COLE is here to defend the King Of The Indies Championship against JAY LETHAL, the CHIKARA Grand Championship is on the line, and we are gonna burn Chicago to the ground tonight- so relax, grab yourself a cold one, and enjoy the show!


CHIKARA Trios Championship: #1 Contenders' Match
TIM DONST, MIKE QUACKENBUSH, & MR. ZERO vs. 3.OLE

The opening trios bout was crazy! Two popular teams went all out for nearly 20 minutes, but the Quackenbush squad did most of the damage. Quack locked Generico into the Chikara Special on a couple of occasions and nearly forced the submission. Generico finally escaped, and Parker came into the ring to battle Mister Zero. Zero caught Parker in a beautiful airplane spin, and in the process, Parker swung into Big Shane and knocked Shane off the apron. After Zero completed the spin, the disoriented Parker staggered to the top rope and attempted a cross-body block. But Zero was waiting, and walloped Parker with a forearm to the jaw in midair! Parker's head flew back, and the Jagged man was out cold before he hit the mat. Zero made the cover, and Team Quackenbush captured the victory!

WINNERS: TIM DONST, MIKE QUACKENBUSH, & MR. ZERO


Daytondave: Wow! What a competitive bout! These six men put it all on the line in one of the best contenders' matches you will ever see!

Warlord: Wait- what? Did you call that a Contenders' match?

Daytondave: That's what it was!

Warlord: That's not correct. Use of the apostrophe following the term "contenders" is improper. That's a false possessive being applied inappropriately to a plural noun-derived adjective.

Daytondave: Excuse me?

Warlord: I have put up with your grammatical incompetence for much too long now, my friend.

Daytondave: Who knew the Warlord was a grammarian? In any event, congratulations to Quackenbush and his allies for earning a shot at the CHIKARA Six-Man Championship! Next up, fans- our first title match of the night!



CHIKARA Campeonatos de Parejas
GREEN ANT & FIRE ANT (C) vs. ICARUS & GRAN AKUMA

The fans were treated to another amazing tag team bout as Team F.I.S.T. sought to regain the Campeonatos title. The challengers brought the fight to the Ants, and Green Ant took plenty of punishment from both opponents. But a double-team attempt from Icarus went bad, and Icarus nailed Akuma with an inadvertent spear! Green Ant took advantage of the miscue and twisted Akuma into the Chikara Special to force the submission!

THE COLONY RETAINS THE CHIKARA CAMPEONATOS DE PAREJAS


Warlord: Anyplace you go, people hate ants. Except CHIKARA.

Daytondave: That would be correct. But the Ants are a beloved part of the world of CHIKARA, and tonight they remain on top of the tag team mountain!

Warlord: So I guess you could say the tag team mountain is really an ant hill?

Daytondave facepalms.

Daytondave: Can we please get on with the next match? The Heartland Ladies' Championship is on the line- and things are going to get interesting.



Heartland Ladies' Championship
KIMBER LEE (C) vs. MERCEDES MARTINEZ

The fans begin to jeer as LARRY SWEENEY heads down to ringside, accompanying KIMBER LEE as MERCEDES MARTINEZ waits in the ring. Sweeney quickly slides under the bottom rope to confront Mercedes, but BIG JIM THE ENFORCER grabs Sweeney by the ankles and pulls him out of the ring! The crowd erupts with cheers at the arrival of KING KONG BUNDY, grinning and carrying handcuffs. Bundy grabs Sweeney by the scruff of the neck and holds him in place as Big Jim snaps the handcuffs into place on Sweeney and Bundy. Sweeney's shrieks can be heard throughout the Pavilion as the match begins.

Warlord: This is gonna be great!

The opening sequences were intense and the momentum shifted as both ladies took their best shots. The fans gasped when Kimber felled Mercedes with a vicious low blow! Big Jim issued a stern warning to Kimber as Sweeney laughed out loud, but the match was allowed to continue. Kimber nailed a spilt jawbreaker but could only manage a two count. Mercedes took the contest to the pavilion floor, and decked Kimber with a huge boot! Big Jim corraled the ladies back into the ring, and planted Kimber with a Fisherman Buster! ADAM PEARCE sprinted to ringside, and managed to pull Kimber's ankle onto the bottom rope ahead of the three count. But just as suddenly, ONE MAN GANG sauntered down the ramp, carrying his own set of handcuffs. Gang grabbed Pearce and handcuffed his wrist to Gang's own as Pearce fought without success.

Daytondave: How about that! Adam Pearce is now handcuffed to One Man Gang!

The battle between the two ladies raged on, and again the action spilled out to the floor. Kimber got the best of the fight this time, running Mercedes shoulder-first into the ring post. Mercedes fought back, and as the two ladies battled on the floor, a commotion erupted at the top of the ramp. DON LEO JONATHAN burst through the curtain, dragging behind him a handcuffed PINKIE SANCHEZ!

Warlord: That's my boys!

In spite of Sweeney's allies being neutralized, Kimber and Mercedes battled on. Kimber dodged Mercedes' attempted charge into the turnbuckle, causing Mercedes to drive her injured shoulder squarely into the ring post! Mercedes was clearly hurting, and Kimber went for the Yoshi Tonic. It took two tries, but on the second attempt, Kimber nailed the move and covered Mercedes for the three count!

KIMBER LEE RETAINS THE HEARTLAND LADIES CHAMPIONSHIP


After the decision, Mercedes pounded the mat in frustration. Big Jim released the members of Sweet 'N Kimber to celebrate in the ring with the champion as the boys from Wide Load trudged to the back.


Daytondave: Well, Warlord- your guys did their part, but Kimber Lee executed the right moves at the right moments and she remains the Heartland Ladies' Champion.

Warlord: Yep. Blondie won, fair and square- but it was worth it to hear Sweeney squeal!

Daytondave: One question for you, big man- where was JESSIE MCKAY tonight? I'm surprised we didn't see her at ringside.

Warlord: It's a long story, Daytondave... there was an extra set of handcuffs, and Jessie took off with them... she said something about meeting up with CRUEFAN after the show...

Daytondave: Too much information, man. Sorry I asked.


As the referee prepares the ring for the next match, there is a disturbance backstage!

Daytondave: What now? Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed about a disturbance backstage!

Warlord: We should send a camera backstage to investigate the disturbance.

Quickly, a cameraman is dispatched to the rear entrance of the building. A chaotic scene is discovered, as BIG JIM THE ENFORCER and several Heartland referees are engaged in a loud struggle! CRAIG MITCHELL and ROBBIE "ICE" BENNETT are attempting to enter the building, but Big Jim grabs Mitchell by the left arm and twists him into a hammerlock! Heartland security forces the rear door open, and Big Jim shoves Mitchell out the door and into the back of a waiting police van. Big Jim grabs Bennett and delivers a huge boot to the backside, sending Bennett careening into the van alongside Mitchell. Big Jim slams the van door shut, slaps the back of the van, and the police van pulls away.


Warlord: What just happened? Man, oh, man- that Big Jim just cleaned house!

Daytondave: And that's why we pay him the big bucks! If Rob Bennett thinks he can disappear from King Of The Indies for six months, and then just show up and disrupt a pay-per-view, well- I hope Mr. Ice learned his lesson. Rumor has it that Mitchell has some sort of heat with TIM DONST- but Donst has another match here tonight and nobody is gonna interfere with that.



Grudge Match- Lumberjack Rules
SEVENTEEN vs. TIM DONST

It didn't take long for business to pick up in this heated grudge match. Seventeen looked to take charge from the beginning, and the masked man took Donst to the mat and tied him up in a painful Lightning Lock Beta. Donst struggled to get free, and as Donst finally broke away, Seventeen pitched Donst out of the ring where deviANT was waiting. DeviANT attempted a piledriver on Donst, but MR. ZERO made the save and Donst rolled back into the ring. Seventeen continued to punish Donst, this time locking Donst into the Inverted Chikara Special! Donst was nearly forced to tap out, but GREG EXCELLENT reached into the ring and pulled Seventeen off of Donst.

Warlord: Waffle Guy! That's my man!

Donst looked to be in rough shape, but he managed to grab Seventeen by the tights and hurl Seventeen out of the ring. Seventeen tried to climb back into the ring as quickly as possible, but Seventeen was grabbed by COLIN DELANEY. Delaney stunned Seventeen, pulling him off the apron and into a nasty Lung Blower! Seventeen was stunned, and Delaney and CHEECH rolled Seventeen under the bottom rope! Members of Gekido stormed after Delaney, and a massive brawl broke out on the arena floor! Donst saw his opportunity, and hoisted the injured Seventeen onto the middle turnbuckle. With the fans in a frenzy, Donst plastered Seventeen with the Donstitution and covered Seventeen for the three count!

WINNER: TIM DONST


Daytondave: What a crazy match! There are fights all over ringside! Gekido is trying to get after Colin Delaney- but everybody in CHIKARA is fighting back! Mike Quackenbush is fighting Jigsaw! Greg Excellent is mixing it up with deviANT! There are bodies everywhere!

Hordes of Heartland Security forces were called upon to break up the fracas, and even members of Wide Load returned to ringside to help restore order with Big Jim directing traffic.

Warlord: This is the craziest thing I have ever seen! It's a pier six brawl!

Finally, order was restored at ringside, with Donst in the center of the ring being hoisted by Quackenbush, Zero, and Greg Excellent as the fans clapped and shouted their approval.

Daytondave: What a great performance by Tim Donst here tonight. Fans- believe it or not- the best is yet to come. Two HUGE championship matches are still going to go down!



CHIKARA Grand Championship
DELIRIOUS (C) vs. JIMMY RAVE

Once again, Delirious wasted no time getting the jump on Jimmy and stunning the challenger with a leaping lariat! Before Rave knew what hit him, Delirious crushed Rave in the corner with a Panic Attack, and Rave was dazed and confused. When Delirious dropped Rave with the Bizarro Driver, the three count was a foregone conclusion.

DELIRIOUS RETAINS THE CHIKARA GRAND CHAMPIONSHIP


Warlord: Are you serious? That little runt is lightning fast!

Daytondave: He is a skilled performer in the ring and a master of psychology. Nobody has been able to figure out Delirious, and he has once again turned away another challenger to the Grand Championship! Congratulations to DELIRIOUS for an amazing match here tonight! All right, fans- earlier this year at Dawn of Destiny 2017, we witnessed JAY LETHAL winning the Money In The Bank Ladder Match to earn a shot at the King Of The Indies championship. The time has come for Lethal to cash in his contract and go for the gold!



Main Event: King Of The Indies Championship
ADAM COLE (C) vs. JAY LETHAL

The King Of The Indies was at the top of his game tonight. Cole was in control from start to finish, and Lethal never got untracked. After several minutes of action, Cole executed a brutal brainbuster onto his own knee which left Lethal rolling on the mat in pain. With his trademark cocky grin, Cole motioned to the crowd and delivered the Panama Sunrise to finish the victory in style.


ADAM COLE RETAINS THE KING OF THE INDIES CHAMPIONSHIP


Daytondave: And that's why he's the King, ladies and gentlemen! Congratulations to Adam Cole for a dominant title defense against a tough challenger. Well done, sir! All right, fans- that wraps things up for Heartland Havoc LXXXI: Right Now. Thanks for checking us out tonight! Congratulations to ADAM COLE, DELIRIOUS, KIMBER LEE, and THE COLONY- all of the champions retained their titles tonight. But that's just one bump on the long road to greatness in the world of professional wrestling, fans- and CHIKARA will be back next week with more exciting action. That's our show, and I AM OUTTA HERE!

[cruefan68]

Forgive me for the lateness of this Aftershow but I was busy with Jessie McKay and a pair of handcuffs. I'm not even sure that I am too upset about Kimber Lee retaining the Heartland Ladies title over Mercedes Martinez, or maybe that is just the euphoria kicking in. Larry Sweeney and his crew may have gotten away with it again but credit Kimber Lee for finding a way to win. As for me, Jessie and the handcuffs there are some things better left untold.

The rest of Right Now had some incredible action and congrats to all of the champions on retaining their titles, especially Adam Cole with his strong main event win over Jay Lethal. Delirious has proven to be nearly unstoppable as the CHIKARA Grand Champion and Jimmy Rave was the latest to find that out. That Lumberjack Match between Tim Donst and Seventeen was incredible and what a win for Donst. It would be great to see Donst get a title shot in the near future though he, Quack and Mr. ZERO are in line for a trios title opportunity. That's all for this Aftershow and I will leave you with a rocking song from another of my favorite bands - Tesla with Modern Day Cowboy...

[EpicDave]

King of the Indies Rankings
May 21, 2017

SINGLES (previous month in parenthesis)

1. ADAM COLE - King Of The Indies (1)
2. CEDRIC ALEXANDER - AWE Champion (5)
3. DELIRIOUS - CHIKARA Grand Champion (3)
4. ZACK SABRE, JR. - EVOLVE Champion (4)
5. MOOSE - ROH: NY Television Champion (2)
6. MICHAEL ELGIN - Ring of Honor: New York Heavyweight Champion (NR)
7. AR FOX - CZW Wired Champion (7)
8. CHRISTOPHER DANIELS (6)
9. JIMMY RAVE (NR)
10. PINKY - CWF Heavyweight Champion (NR)


TAG TEAM

1. THE BRISCOE BROTHERS - KOTI Tag Team Champions (1)
2. KENNY OMEGA & CHRIS SABIN - ROH:NY Tag Team Champions (2)
3. GREEN ANT & FIRE ANT - CHIKARA Campeonatos de Parejas (7)
4. JIMMY RAVE & DONOVAN DIJACK - AWE Tag Team Champions (3)
5. RPG VICE (TRENT BARETTA & ROCKY ROMERO) - EVOLVE Tag Team Champions (4)
6. LIMITLESS (KEITH LEE & SHANE TAYLOR) (NR)
7. WAR MACHINE (RAYMOND ROWE & HANSON) (10)
8. TEAM F.I.S.T. (ICARUS & GRAN AKUMA) (5)
9. N-R-G (RACE JAXON & HYPE ROCKWELL) (9)
10. SCORPIO SKY & JOEY RYAN (NR)


LADIES

1. KIMBER LEE - Heartland Ladies' Champion (2)
2. TAELER HENDRIX - AWE Ladies' Champion (3)
3. SARAYA KNIGHT - Women of Honor Champion (1)
4. KELLY KLEIN (5)
5. TRISH STRATUS (7)
6. CHEERLEADER MELISSA (NR)
7. NICOLE MATTHEWS (10)
8. SHAZZA MCKENZIE (NR)
9. MADISON EAGLES (NR)
10. MALIA HOSAKA (4)


LADIES' TAG TEAM

1. THE CANADIAN NINJAS (NICOLE MATTHEWS & PORTIA PEREZ) - Heartland Ladies' Tag Team Champions (1)
2. THE MINNESOTA HOME WRECKING CREW (LACEY & RAIN) (3)
3. THE KILLER DEATH MACHINES (JESSICKA HAVOK & NEVAEH) (NR)
4. SHAYNA BASZLER & NICOLE SAVOY (5)
5. RHIA O'REILLY & SARAYA KNIGHT (NR)

[EpicDave]

If anyone happens to see CRUEFAN, please thank him for another awesome Aftershow!

Heartland Championship Wrestling
King of the Indies: Chikara!
May 24, 2017 (Card #783)
Pinnacle Bank Arena, Lincoln, Nebraska

The show opens with the tune, "Awake and Alive" by Skillet playing overhead. DAYTONDAVE and WARLORD emerge through the curtain to greet the cheering fans.

Daytondave: Hey, fans! Welcome to our special Wednesday night edition of the CHIKARA brand of professional wrestling. We're glad you joined us tonight as we recap last week's pay-per-view and rock on into the summer!

Warlord: Right Now is over, right? What now?

Daytondave: Yes, Heartland Havoc LXXXI: Right Now was quite a success. The bad news is, no more Van Halen tunes, for now. The good news is, no more lousy Warlord puns about the name of the pay-per-view.

Warlord: Aw, come on, Daytondave- the fans love my sense of humor. Especially the great fans right here in Lincoln, Nebraska!

(Cheers)

Daytondave: And, another cheap pop for the Warlord. Some things never change! All right, fans- tonight we have four great matches lined up for your midweek enjoyment- including a Number One Contenders Match for the Heartland Ladies Tag Team Championship! THE DOLL HOUSE will square off with THE KILLER DEATH MACHINES tonight in a match that you won't want to miss. We're gonna rock Wednesday night, fans- so relax, grab yourself a cold one, and enjoy the show!



CHIKARA CONTRACT MATCH
JONATHAN GRESHAM* pinned CHUCK TAYLOR****
The opening match was action-packed and competitive. Gresham showed off several submission style moves, keeping Taylor tied in knots. Chuckie tried to take the fight to the floor, but Gresham caught him with a German Suplex outside the ring that left Taylor stunned. Chuck tried to get into the ring ahead of the ten count, but Gresham quickly pulled him in to a small package for the pin!


Daytondave: Quite a performance by young Mr. Gresham. He can fly, he can mat wrestle, and he showed plenty of toughness here tonight.

Warlord: A big win for the little man!



2017 INDEPENDENT TAG TEAM LEAGUE
THE OSIRIAN PORTAL (1-2) vs. PIECES OF HATE (2-1)
This was a crazy, back and forth tag match. Both teams came out aggressively, trading high-impact and high-risk moves. After several minutes, Obariyon crashed and burned attempting a back heel kick, and the Batiri found themselves in trouble. Obariyon gamely held off several attacks, then dodged away from a double-team, causing Amasis and Ophidian to collide! Kodama came into the match and punished both men, giving Obariyon a breather. When the Batiri attempted another double-team move, Ophidian concocted the Snake Charmer! Both Batiri were dazed, but Obariyon had the presence of mind to save Kodama after the Portal connected with the Osirian Sacrament! Obariyon dropped Amasis with a DDT, but Ophidian alertly rolled his partner over, reversing the pinfall and enabling Amasis to catch the three count!


WINNERS: THE OSIRIAN PORTAL


Daytondave: How about that? Have you ever seen so many reversals and shifts in momentum in a match before?

Warlord: Not since Bush defeated Gore in 2000. Then, Gore defeated Bush- or maybe not- then, two months later, Bush beat Gore again- I think.

Daytondave: Yeah, I get it. But still- we just witnessed a terrific tag team match!



CHIKARA CONTRACT MATCH
RICOCHET* pinned OLEG THE USURPER***
Despite giving up nearly 100 pounds, Ricochet came ready for battle. Oleg was unable to keep up with the fast-paced aerial assault, and Ricochet wowwed the Lincoln crowd with a 630 Senton for the win.


Daytondave: A sensational match for the man who won the 2017 Buckeye Bowl. Is there anything this guy can't do?

Warlord: This little dudes are tearing it up tonight!

Daytondave: And now it's the ladies' turn!



HEARTLAND LADIES' TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: #1 CONTENDERS MATCH
THE DOLL HOUSE (MARTI BELLE & MIA YIM) defeated THE KILLER DEATH MACHINES (JESSICKA HAVOK******* & NEVAEH)
The Contenders match didn't start well for the Doll House, as Jessicka overpowered both the Dolls. Mia was tossed around like a rag doll (see what I did there?), and Marti's attempts at headlocks and hammerlocks were ineffective. The Dolls finally got the momentum when Marti ducked a big boot attempt and drilled Jessicka with a bicycle kick, sending the Death Machine into the corner of the Doll House. Marti took over on Jessicka, and Mia pitched in with a couple of nasty double teams. Nevaeh tried to save her partner, but Mia took out Nevaeh with a bicycle kick. With an assist from Mia, Marti dropped Jessicka with a nasty backbreaker for the win.


Daytondave: Congratulations to the Doll House! I think Mia and Marti looked as sharp as ever tonight. The Dolls will need to be at their best this Saturday night when they face THE CANADIAN NINJAS for the Heartland Ladies' Tag Team Championship! The Ninjas have defeated the Dolls in the past, so you can bet the Mia and Marti will be geared up for their shot at the gold in Saturday night's Main Event. All right, fans- we're done here. Thanks for checking us out tonight! As I mentioned, CHIKARA will be back this Saturday night with another terrific card. That's our show, and I AM OUTTA HERE!

[cruefan68]

Well I managed to get myself together for this Aftershow and I have to say that once again the ladies of the Heartland know how to bring the action. What a huge win for the Doll House over the Killer Death Machines in the main event. The fact that they got the fall on Havok sends a strong message to the Canadian Ninjas that the Heartland Ladies' tag titles could be in jeopardy. It was great to see the Osirian Portal pick up a huge win over Pieces of Hate in the Tag League. What a match. Congrats to both Ricochet and Jonathan Gresham on earning CHIKARA contracts. Gresham over Chucky T was a huge upset in my opinion.

That's all for this Aftershow and I will leave you with a classic from the great Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues...

[EpicDave]

A quick note to welcome back the CRUEFAN. Congratulations on surviving you ordeal at Right Now and making a stellar return to the Aftershow!

Heartland Championship Wrestling
King of the Indies: Chikara!
May 27, 2017 (Card #784)
Carver-Hawkeye Arena, Iowa City, Iowa

The show opens with the tune, "Awake and Alive" by Skillet playing overhead. DAYTONDAVE and WARLORD enter the arena and acknowledge the cheering of the crowd. The arena is filled with excitement as the hosts make their way to the announcers' table.

Daytondave: Hey, fans, welcome to-

Warlord: Wait! Dude! I got this.

Daytondave: Okay… sure.

Warlord: Fight, fight, fight for Iowa!

(Cheers)

Daytondave: That may be the fastest cheap pop in the history of the Heartland.

Warlord: Wait- there's more! Tonight, we have a special gift for you, Daytondave. Fans, you may not know, but it was 28 years ago today that Daytondave tied the knot with the lovely "SENSATIONAL" SHARON. Congratulations to Sharon and Dave for this monumental anniversary! Kudos to Daytondave- man, you outdid yourself.

Daytondave: Indeed I did. Better than I deserve.

Warlord: And congratulations to Sensational Sharon for putting up with 28 years of this schlep.

(Cheers)

Warlord: And, to celebrate this occasion, Daytondave- we're giving you the night off!

Daytondave: Wow! As much as I love CHIKARA and the King Of The Indies, I love my Sharon even more. So- I AM OUTTA HERE!

Warlord: Have a great night, Daytondave, and congratulations to the happy couple for 28 years of wedded bliss. Now, fans- we have a boatload of matches set to go- so let's get ready to rummmmblllleee!!!



SCARLET & GRAVES (ZACHARY WENTZ & DESMOND XAVIER) defeated PIECES OF HATE (SHARD* & JIGSAW*****) by countout
It was an action-packed opener as all four men flew around the arena. Scarlet & Graves caught a break in the early going when Shard crashed and burned on an attempted dive to the arena floor. Xavier and Wentz took over on Jigsaw until Jigsaw nailed Xavier with a superkick that nearly put Xavier's lights out! But Wentz alertly came to the rescue of his partner and unleashed on Jigsaw with Thanks For The Memories. Wentz followed up with a Baywood Bomb off the turnbuckle, sending Jigsaw out of the ring in a daze. Wentz went to the air with a tope con hilo to the arena floor which left both men wiped out on the concrete! Wentz was first to his feet, and Zachary barely made it back to the ring ahead of the ten count as Jigsaw remained motionless on the arena floor.


Warlord: It's raining luchadores! But seriously, that was a heck of a match. You know, being out here without Daytondave ain't the greatest. He'd be saying something really smart right about now. So, you know what I am gonna do? I am gonna bring out a really smart guy to help me here. Fans, please welcome the smartest guy I know who isn't named Dave!

The fans cheer as GIANT BERNARD emerges through the curtain, wearing a graduation cap. Bernard makes his way to the announcers' table.

Warlord: Hello, Professor.

Bernard: You know, the average flight speed of an unencumbered American Luchadore is 88 miles per hour?

Warlord: At that speed, Zachary Wentz might go back to the future!

Bernard: Not without my 1.21 gigawatt flux capacitor. Been working on that back home in my lab.

Warlord: Keep up the good work. While we're waiting, let's have a ladies' match!



MADISON EAGLES pinned SHAZZA MCKENZIE****
Two very capable Aussie contenders squared off in a competitive bout. The ladies went toe-to-toe for ten minutes before either was able to catch a pinning predicament. As the match wore on, the power of Madison allowed her to take control. Under the watchful eye of referee BIG JIM THE ENFORCER, Madison kept on the attack and scored the victory with the Hell Bound.


Warlord: Well done, ladies!

Bernard: That's the Enforcer guy refereeing- I read about him in Pro Wrestling Illustrated.

Warlord: Not surprising, ladies and gentlemen. This man has read more books than Charlie Congress.

Bernard: Charlie Congress?

Warlord: He owns a big library. Surprised you haven't heard of it.



JOCK SAMPSON* pinned ULTRAMANTIS BLACK******
The affable hillbilly showed his toughness once again, putting a whoopin' on Ultramantis outside of the ring and finishing off the victory with his Piledriver.


Warlord: Yee-haw!

Bernard: I might have anticipated that the intellectual prowess of Ultramantis would prevail in that match.

Warlord: Everybody has a plan, until Sampson takes you out to the woodshed. Hey everybody- how about some junk food?

The fans shriek with delight as DON LEO 'JUNK FOOD' JONATHAN comes down the aisle with his trusty knapsack. Unfortunately, when Don Leo reaches into the sack, it is empty! After checking the sack a second time, he grimaces with disappointment. The fans groan as Jonathan disappears empty-handed.

Warlord: What- what? Somebody stole Don Leo's stash of junk food!

Bernard: Theivery! What sort of scandalous contact is this? This is a travesty which demands an explanation!

Warlord: Yeah- what he said.

Bernard leaves the announcers' table and storms backstage.

Warlord: It wasn't me. Honest! But whatever shenanigans went down, I am sure that Inspector Bernard will not rest until the case is solved.



2017 TAG TEAM LEAGUE
THE BRAVADO BROTHERS (3-0) vs. OI4K (0-3)
The hard times continued for the Ohio boys, as the Bravados decimated Dave. Despite Jake's efforts to bail out his brother, the Bravados kept on the attack throughout the match and pinned Dave after the Gentleman's Agreement.

WINNERS: THE BRAVADO BROTHERS

Warlord: The Bravado Brothers are the first team to go 4-0 for 2017! They are on top of their game! The Crist Brothers- not so much. I guess now it's time to head over to this week's spectacular episode of "Sweet Talk"!

The scene shifts to "Sweet Talk", where LARRY SWEENEY sits proudly in a recliner. KIMBER LEE stands alongside Sweeney, proudly holding the Heartland Ladies' title over her shoulder.

Kimber: Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please! It is my privilege to introduce the smartest, classiest, and sexiest man in independent wrestling today. He is the Hunk of the Heartland! Put your hands together for Larrrryyyy Sweeennneeyyy!!!

(Boos)

Sweeney: Hahaha! You are are jealous, I can tell- because I am better than each and every one of you- put together! Tonight on Sweet Talk- we have plenty to discuss. But, first things first- it's time to bury the hatchet. As you know, I have had plenty of run-ins with KING KONG BUNDY since I started Sweet Talk- but with all the Wide Load Hysteria happening tonight, I figured this would be the night to let bygones be bygones. So- please welcome my guest tonight- my new friend, Bundy!

The fans cheer as Bundy makes his way to the set. Sweeney rises from his chair and offers Bundy a handshake, but Bundy grabs Sweeney in a massive bear hug, laughing as he squeezes the breath out of Sweeney. Bundy drops Sweeney back into his chair with a grin, and settles into his own chair on the set.

Sweeney (gasping): Well... glad we were able to make amends, Bundy... (*cough*)...

Bundy: And I am damn glad to be here! What are we gonna talk about tonight?

Sweeney: I thought we would start with ROH: New York! Congratulations to BJ WHITMER- the new ROH:NY Television Champion! BJ is allied with KEVIN SULLIVAN & NECRO BUTCHER- and with the assist from Sullivan, BJ captured the tournament win over PUNISHMENT MARTINEZ!

Bundy: I guess you could say congratulations- but I think Sullivan made the wrong move by turning on Martinez. They call him "Punishment" for a reason.

Sweeney: You got that right- and Sullivan just might find himself on the wrong end of some Punishment of his won. I also wanted to mention-

Surprisingly, Sweeney is interrupted by the arrival of GIANT BERNARD.

Bundy: Big man! What are you doing here?

Bernard: I am trying to determine who stole the Twinkies from Don Leo Jonathan. Bundy- did you steal the Twinkies?

Bundy: Not me. Junk Food will take care of me any time I ask him to.

Bernard reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a notebook and pen. He scribbles notes and scratches his chin.

Bernard: Larry Sweeney- did you steal Don Leo's Twinkies?

Sweeney: No sir. I am a Ho-Ho guy myself.

Bernard scribbles more notes, then raises an eyebrow.

Bernard: A Ho-Ho guy? I thought I had heard that about you. Carry on, men.

Sweeney: No! Not like that! What I meant was-

Bernard scribbles more notes and leaves the stage.

Bundy: And... that's how rumors get started.

Sweeney: And if I want any crap out of you, Bundy, I'll squeeze your head. There are a couple more events coming soon that I wanted to mention. Beyond Wrestling is set to make its debut next month! Another creation from the amazing mind of Todd Johnston! If this territory is as hot as Atlanta, you are all in for a treat. Todd is also gearing up for another Style Battle! This time, there will also be a Tag Team Ladder Match, featuring our own GREEN ANT & FIRE ANT. The Colony will be facing off against five other teams for a shot to wrestle for the AWE Tag Team Championship! Best of luck to the Ants- I know you will represent CHIKARA with a bang!

(Cheers)

Sweeney: Finally- AWE is going to set the world on fire next weekend with TWO championship matches for the King Of The Indies Titles! ADAM COLE is going to defend the KOTI Championship against CEDRIC ALEXANDER, and THE BRISCOE BROTHERS will put the KOTI Tag Team Titles on the line against KENNY OMEGA & CHRIS SABIN!

Bundy: What a weekend that will be in Hot-Lanta!

Sweeney: Okay, people- that's enough knowledge for one night. I don't want to fry your circuits, so I am signing off. The pleasure was yours!

Sweeney rises from his chair and bids Bundy farewell with a handshake. Sweeney and Kimber depart from the set. Bundy remains seated, then begins to struggle. Red-faced, Bundy attempts to rise from his chair, but without success. He continues trying, until finally Bundy makes it to his feet, with the leather recliner super-glued firmly to his voluminous posterior.

Bundy: I'm gonna get that little maggot!

The scene returns to ringside as Bundy staggers around the stage, cursing and muttering.


Warlord: Hahaha! Ol' Sweeney got one over on Bundy! You gotta love it! I thought that reunion was too good to be true. Hehehehehehe! Bundy won't hear the end of THAT one... but for now, let's head back to the ring.



GREG EXCELLENT pinned WILL FERRARA***
For about ten minutes, Excellent made life miserable for Will Ferrara. Excellent beat down Ferrara outside of the ring, and pinned him cleanly with a Tiger Driver.

After the match, Excellent was approached at ringside by Giant Bernard. Bernard produced some sort of device resembling a breathlyzer, which he administered to Excellent. Excellent gave Bernard a thumbs up and left the ring area with a grin as Bernard scrtached his chin and scribbled notes into his book.


Warlord: All righty, then. Looks like Greg Excellent tested negative for Twinkies. How did that happen? Anyway, the mystery continues, and so does the action in the ring. Remember Right Now when COLIN DELANEY cost SEVENTEEN the victory in his match with TIM DONST? Well, that wasn't Right Now- that was a couple of weeks ago, but deviANT has been assigned to punish Delaney for that move.



GRUDGE MATCH: NO DISQUALIFICATION
COLIN DELANEY* pinned deviANT****
The grudge match, as expected, was crazy from start to finish. Delaney and deviANT battled around the ring, until combatANT and assailANT hit the ring! The Gekido trio pummeled Delaney in the corner until CREECH and TIM DONST sprinted to the ring to make the save! The Gekido invaders were chased away, and in the chaos, Delaney executed a backslide and picked up the three count!


Warlord: What just happened? That whole match went down faster than the eye could see. But it looks like Delaney and friends pulled out the victory!

After the decision, GIANT BERNARD hustled to the ring with his notebook and his Twink-a-lyzer, but the competitors had already scattered from the ring area before they could be investigated.

Warlord: Now that's a bummer. But somehow, I doubt that any of those little 175-pound twerps were the twinkie thief. I guess that means it's time for the Main Event! I don't suppose any of those CANADIAN NINJAS stole Don Leo's twinkies- but you never know.

As the Ninjas approached the ring, Giant Bernard stopped them with the Twink-a-lyzer. Both ladies sneered at Bernard and passed by without stopping.



MAIN EVENT: HEARTLAND LADIES' TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
THE DOLL HOUSE (MIA YIM & MARTI BELLE**) defeated THE CANADIAN NINJAS (PORTIA PEREZ* & NICOLE MATTHEWS*)
An upset in the Main Event! The Ninjas and the Dolls were all over the ring. The battle was particularly intense between Portia and Marti, and the Ninjas nearly picked up the win with a double-team Funky Cold Medina on Marti. Reacting quickly, Mia rolled Marti on top of Portia, but referee BIG JIM THE ENFORCER refused the count the pin. Big Jim ruled that Nicole was the legal competitor in the match, and Mia immediately crushed Nicole with a Spinning Seoul Kick and covered her for the pin!


THE DOLL HOUSE CAPTURES THE HEARTLAND LADIES' TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP


Warlord: Amazing! History has been made right here in Iowa City! The Doll House has won the Ladies' Tag Team Championship. Congratulations to Mia and Marti for becoming the new champions! What a beautiful move by Mia Yim to deliver her team the victory. As Daytondave would say- we're done here. Thanks for-

Warlord stops for a moment as Giant Bernard eyes the ring suspiciously. Bernard enters the ring and presents the Twink-a-lyzer to Big Jim. Grinning broadly, Jim blows into the analyzer. The needle spins around rapidly, as springs fly out of the device. Finally, smoke pours out of the Twink-a-lyzer, and Bernard drops the device onto the mat. Thinking quickly, Warlord grabs a fire extinguisher and hoses down the smoldering Twink-a-lyzer.

Warlord: Well, I think we have solved the mystery of the missing Twinkies!

Big Jim grins broadly, revealing chunks of partially hydrogenated flour and vanilla icing between his teeth.

Warlord: Big Jim- you know we love ya- but this is gonna cost you a day in court. Fans- we really ARE done here! Once again, congratulations to the Doll House for the big win in tonight's Main Event, and congrats to Daytondave and Sensational Sharon for 28 years of wedded bliss. That's our show, and I AM OUTTA HERE!

[joebreakdown]

I friggin' love this fed! From Sweeny and Kimber Lee to Warlord on the mic and the educated Bernard, the hungry Don Leo Jonathan and the victorious Jock Sampson...it's a cavalcade of freaks!

[TTX]

Nice to see the Doll House winning some gold.

[cruefan68]

Daytondave, I wouldn't call it an ordeal but I digress. Congrats also on your anniversary and another great show from the Heartland. Aftershow listener joebreakdown hit it on the head - a real cavalcade of freaks are roaming the Heartland, not that there's anything wrong with that. Congrats to the Doll House on a huge win over the Canadian Ninjas to win the Heartland Ladies tag titles. I was not expecting to see that. Jock Sampson over Ultramantis Black was a big upset. Sampson has looked great in his CHIKARA bouts. It is hard to believe that the Bravado Brothers are 4-0 and OI4K is 0-4 in the Tag League. The Gekido tried to take out Colin Delaney but Tim Donst and Cheech foiled that plan of attack.

That's all for this Aftershow and I will rock out with some Uncle Ted, Nugent that is, and Wango Tango...

[EpicDave]

As always, another shout-out to CRUEFAN for the Aftershow, with an assist from JOEBREAKDOWN!

Heartland Championship Wrestling
King of the Indies: Chikara!
May 31, 2017 (Card #785)
Williams Arena, Minneapolis, Minnesota

The show opens with the tune, "Awake and Alive" by Skillet playing overhead. DAYTONDAVE splits the curtain and strides down the ring ramp, accompanied by WARLORD. The fans are clapping and stomping in rhythm as Warlord and Daytondave arrive at the announcers' table.

Daytondave: Hey, fans! Welcome to our special Wednesday night edition of the CHIKARA brand of professional wrestling.

Warlord: Don't you mean the "Cavalcade of Freaks"?

Daytondave: I leave you guys alone for ONE night… and the whole show breaks down! I think that JOEBREAKDOWN and CRUEFAN have you guys pegged.

Warlord: We're just a group of regular guys who like to have fun. And we have another fun night to look forward to, RIGHT HERE IN MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA!!!

(Cheers)

Daytondave: Well, I did enjoy the night off, and I guess you boys didn't do too much harm. Thanks for taking care of business!

Warlord: One thing, Daytondave. I don't want Cruefan and Joebreakdown to call us the cavalcade of freaks.

Daytondave: Sure, we can talk to them. What would you like to be called?

Warlord: We wanna be known as "The Covfefe"!

Daytondave: As I live and breathe… fans, we DO have a wrestling show tonight. Four great matches are coming your way- so relax, grab yourself a cold one, and enjoy the show!


RICOCHET** pinned JONATHAN GRESHAM*******
Ricochet was at his high-flying best tonight! The Buckeye Bowl winner flew at Gresham from every direction, thrilling the fans with moonsaults and splashes. Gresham tried to slow the pace of the match, locking in the Figure-Four, but Ricochet made his way to the bottom rope and walked it off. Gresham continued to fight, but ran out of ideas as Ricochet continued his aerial onslaught. With the fans gasping in awe, Ricochet went to the air for a sensational 630 Senton for the pin!


Warlord: That's just unbelievable. How can a human being fly like that?

Daytondave: I wish I knew, Warlord!



TEAM F.I.S.T. (ICARUS & GRAN AKUMA) defeated THE DEVASTATION CORPORATION (MAX SMASHMASTER & BLASTER MCMASSIVE****)
Icarus and Akuma had a tall task tonight, but using their wits and teamwork, managed to take down the bigger men. After several forays outside the ring, Akuma got the best of Blaster with a smooth spin kick followed by a Snapmare Driver onto the concrete floor. Blaster staggered back into the ring, but was quickly forced to tap out to the Wings of Icarus.


Daytondave: Well done! The former Campeonatos de Parejas are back in the win column.

Warlord: Did you see that big man screaming for mercy? I can't believe he tapped out to that little pipsqueak!



CHEERLEADER MELISSA* pinned CHERRY BOMB**
An intense battle between two top contenders in the Ladies' Division. Cherry came out strong, but Melissa withstood several submission holds and clobbered Cherry with a series of stiff forearm shots. Cherry was on the defensive, and Melissa put her away with the Kudoh Driver.


Daytondave: Melissa has a lot of weapons in her arsenal. She is one of the hardest-hitting ladies in the business, and one of the most decorated.

Warlord: You know it. I remember when she used to hang out with DICK THE BRUISER & THE CRUSHER. That's one tough chick.

Daytondave: And with that win, Melissa is in line for a number one contenders match, and possibly a shot at another Ladies' Championship! All right, fans- it's time for the final match of the evening, brought to you by the 2017 Independent Tag Team League!



2017 INDEPENDENT TAG TEAM LEAGUE
THE THROWBACKS (1-2) vs. THE ROUGHNECKS (1-2)
Sugar D came out on fire, but the flames were quickly extinguished by a Black Hole Slam from Brodie Lee. Hatfield tried to come to his partner's aid, but Brodie was too much hombre for the Throwbacks to handle. After Brodie dropped Dunkerton with a brutal Half Nelson Superplex, the Big Rig brought in Grizzly to execute the Roughnecked for the pin.


WINNERS: THE ROUGHNECKS


Daytondave: That's a nice win for Lee and Redwood tonight to get back to the .500 mark. The Littlest Lumberjack got the job done! All right, fans- we're done here. Thanks for checking us out tonight! CHIKARA will be back this Saturday night with another exciting show. Rumor has it that BIG JIM THE ENFORCER will be going to wrestler's court! Most importantly, we have a title bout in the Main Event. THE BATIRI will defend the CHIKARA Trios Championship against the team of MIKE QUACKENBUSH, TIM DONST, & MR. ZERO. That's our show, and I AM OUTTA HERE!