FPW and HBWA present: Festive Family Feast - PART 1
Oh, it’s the most wonderful time of the year!
Christmas is a time of year for all the family to come together. Father against Son, Brother against Brother, family against family. Is blood thicker than water, or will family feuds cost dearly? Will there be awkwardness around the dinner table this Christmas? Who is the best son? Let’s find out, in this special two-day event!
As the audience files into the hall, the air is already humid with sweat and testosterone. The big screen shows live backstage footage of the locker room. Through clouds of Old Spice and Brut, several musclebound shapes can be seen, rhythmically pumping iron. James Brown’s 1965 hit, Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag, blares out, accompanied by a symphony of macho grunts and strains. Bob Armstrong is strutting around with no shirt on. His tag team partner Mike Graham is dancing from foot to foot, giddy with excitement.
Bob, slapping Mike’s chest in a friendly way -
“What’s got you so excited? You don’t even have a match tonight do you?”
Mike, beaming -
“Yup, I do!”
Bob -
“But… It’s the Family Feast - Brad’s got a match against me, and you don’t have any other family around. Do you?”
Mike, squeaking -
“I’ve- I’ve got a daddy!”
Bob, shocked -
“What?! Hang on…”
Mike, getting really excited and pointing at the door -
“Oh, oh, he’s here!”
Superstar Billy Graham walks into the locker room, pauses and kisses each of his biceps in turn.
“Uh, I’m lookin’ for a Mike... Mike Graham?”
Mike, eyes shining with joy -
“Pappa!”
The locker room falls silent as the wrestlers look on in confusion.
Billy, looking around -
“Uh, sure, yeah. Ready for the match?”
Mike -
“You bet! Oh this’ll be just the best Christmas ever!”
Superstar Billy Graham: Father of the Year?
This special evening starts with a performance from
Flyin’ Fred Curry. The introduction to Madonna’s 1986 hit, Papa Don't Preach, begins and Fred nervously enters the ring, microphone in hand. Fred surveys the audience and takes a deep breath: this is his time to shine. At ringside, his father
Wild Bull Curry looks away in embarrassment. Fred Curry launches into a truly passionate performance, falling to his knees as he hits the chorus with fists clenched and tears in his eyes - but unfortunately the microphone doesn’t seem to be working and nobody can hear a word. Finally, Curry Senior can stand it no longer and he rushes into the ring. Fred turns to his father with joy, perhaps expecting poppa to join him in a duet, but Wild Bull Curry facepalms his son to the floor and kicks the silent microphone across the ring. Hurt and confused, Fred watches his dad walk backstage and realises he has failed, again.
Tugboat & Chaz Taylor burst through the curtain to little fanfare. Their dark, shiny mullets bounce on their shoulders in unison as they clap hands with the few fans who acknowledge them. Facing them are ‘The British Bulldog’
Davey Boy Smith and his son, the creatively-named
Davey Boy Smith Junior. The burly Brits trade holds with big Tug but once Chaz enters the fray, they make mincemeat out of the Junior Taylor. Chaz screams in pain as a series of powerslams mangle his undersized frame, “Save me, poppa!”. Tug leans over the ropes but can’t reach his son to tag, and it’s all over in minutes. As the ‘Boy Smiths’ celebrate, ‘The Tugger’ looks at his puny offspring in disgust. There’s one boy who’s definitely on the naughty list this year. “Sorry, Dad,” squeaks Chaz, “I just wanted to make you happy.”
Winners: The ‘Boy Smiths’
The slippery
Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts squares off against his beanpole brother,
Sam Houston. After some early fire from Houston, the elder brother’s experience shows. Roberts uses his cunning and demolishes his opponent, crushing Houston with multiple DDTs, refusing to pin him and seemingly teaching his younger sibling a lesson. After the match, Roberts drapes ‘Keith,’ his garter snake over his downed opponent. It seems Houston isn’t worthy of being the victim of Damian…
On his way out of the ring, Jake stares intensely down the camera and says, slowly and quietly, “They talk about sibling rivalry, but in order to be rivals you’ve got to be evenly matched. You’re not even a snack for Keith here, Sam Houston, never mind a rival for me.”
Winner: Jake ‘The Snake’ RobertsIn a real ding-dong battle,
Mike and Ted Dibiase come up short against
Blackjack Mulligan and his son,
Barry Windham. ‘Iron’ Mike is a house of fire, taking it to his larger foes and scoring a near fall against Windham with his flying knee drop. Son Teddy doesn’t fare so well, and despite loading his glove, he is punished by a devastating big boot and lariat combination. This one could have gone either way and the hot crowd were on the edges of their seats throughout.
Winners: Blackjack Mulligan & Barry Windham
In this searing hot Father Vs Son battle, one half of The Chests,
‘Bullet’ Bob Armstrong, takes on
‘Candyman’ Brad Armstrong. Armstrong Senior struts to the ring, pumping on his chest expander in time to Boney M’s 1976 disco number, Daddy Cool. A young boy leans over the barrier, flexing his miniature biceps and excitedly calling out to his hero. Without breaking his stride, Armstrong swats the child away with a severe backhander, with such force that the boy is knocked to the floor, taking several other young fans with him. ‘Candyman’ Brad Armstrong jogs to the rescue, his golden mullet bobbing in time to his generic 80s rock theme tune. He hands out sweets to the children and poses for a few quick photos while his father paces back and forth in the ring, slapping his chest and yelling to the crowd “Round here they call me The Bullet, cos I’m hard as a bullet! Take a look at this CHEST!”
Bob Armstrong overpowers his son early on, even hitting the Georgia jaw-jacker for a near-fall, but Brad rallies with a Russian leg sweep. The ladies scream for Brad! Bob powers out but he’s clearly rattled - he’s struggling to cope with the speed and fire of his popular son. Bob uses his marine training and breaks out the martial arts, chopping Brad’s chest until it’s red raw, but Brad ducks a big haymaker and it’s a Russian leg sweep out of nowhere to pick up the victory. The crowd goes wild! After the match, Brad offers a handshake, but Bob rolls under the bottom rope to a chorus of boos, saying “Just you wait til we get home, son - I’ll fetch my slipper and give you a proper country whipping.” Brad gulps.
Winner: Brad Armstrong
As the PA system blares out Kid Creole and the Coconuts’ 1982 hit 'Annie, I'm Not Your Daddy',
Fit Finlay awaits his mystery opponent in the ring. To the surprise of no one, out skips
Hornswoggle. Finlay is furious - “How many times do I have to tell you, he’s NOT MY SON!” The jovial former leprechaun does all the comedy spots - running through Finlay’s legs, biting him on the arse, trying to pull his tights down - the usual stuff. This only angers the ‘Belfast Bruiser’ even more. Finlay charges his diminutive opponent with great ferocity, intending to crush him against the turnbuckle. Hornswoggle acts fast and moves, leaving Finlay a crumpled mess in the corner. Swoggle heads up top and hits the tadpole splash to score a shocking upset victory! As Hornswoggle celebrates, Finlay grabs his shillelagh and pummels his ‘son’ until he is barely conscious. Once Finlay is satisfied that he has his revenge, he kicks Hornswoggle under the bottom rope and soaks up the boos from the crowd. As medics check on the poor ‘L’il Bastard,’ someone at ringside comments that this was the ‘best beatdown I’ve ever seen,’ and it would be hard to disagree.
Winner: Hornswoggle
The battle of two Dads is up next as Tiger Conway Sr takes on Tommy Gilbert, with sons Tiger Conway Jr, Eddie Gilbert and Doug Gilbert at ringside to witness their fathers' glory. In a fairly even contest, it’s the Conway Patriarch who takes the victory, after a series of headbutts. Tiger Conway Jr joins his Dad in the ring to celebrate and the pair dance to the smooth groove of Bob Seger’s 1976 hit 'Come to Poppa', for the entire length of the song. Somewhere, Vince McMahon is watching and does ‘that laugh’.
Winner: Tiger Conway Sr
It’s time for a Fathers vs Sons tag team match, as
Johnny Valentine and Joe Blanchard take on their sons
Greg ‘The Hammer’ Valentine and Tully Blanchard, promising to teach those young upstarts a lesson. In a highly competitive encounter, Tully slingshots his dad onto a fallen Johnny Valentine, who is being held in a figure four leglock by the youthful Greg. The dads are left red-faced as the rookie tandem triumphs. It’s a sons-on-dads SMASH! and the crowd are eating it up.
Winners: Greg Valentine & Tully Blanchard
The crowd are surprised and delighted to see Memphis hero
Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler make his way to the ring, decked in a plastic crown, highly flammable nylon robe and several large ‘gold’ rings that look like they came out of budget Christmas crackers. The crowd pops as son
Brian Christopher dances out to a generic hip hop tune and does ‘the worm’ down the ramp. Christopher dances and jives around his poppa, but the wily Lawler soon puts a stop to all that nonsense with a hard slap to his son’s face. He toys with Christopher for a bit before lowering the strap, dropping the fist and hitting the piledriver. It’s over very soon, and Lawler makes his way to the back quickly, seemingly preoccupied with a couple of young ladies who he had arranged to meet earlier.
Winner: Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler
In a special international Brothers Vs Brothers tag match, the Wild Samoans, Afa & Sika, have way too much for Mad Dog and Butcher Vachon. The Samoans repeatedly headbutt their opponents until Butcher can’t get up anymore. A Top rope headbutt seals the deal in less than three minutes.
Winners: The Wild Samoans
In a contest that has the crowd screaming, the ‘Father and Son’ duo of
Superstar Billy Graham and the young
Mike Graham battle it out against
‘Flirty’ Frank Dalton and ‘Dirty’ Andy Dalton. The Grahams begin by posing in unison to demonstrate their teamwork, physical prowess and excellent all-over tans. The Daltons take advantage and rush their opponents, gaining the upper hand. Dalton Sr, a popular figure around these parts, brutalises Mike early on, removing his boot and whacking the smaller Graham on the jaw, before winking a big blue eye at a group of swooning ladies on the front row. The Daltons are in control until Andy, desperate to impress his father, forgets the limit of his abilities and misses a top rope splash. Mike makes the tag to Billy, who squeezes the life out of Andy Dalton, making him tap with a bear hug! Distressed, Andy looks to his father for comfort but Frank has already left the ring and is on his way backstage, accompanied by a number of female fans.
As the bell signals victory, Mike rushes into the ring and jumps into his ‘Daddy’s’ arms. Confused, Billy gently places Mike on the top turnbuckle and begins to pose for the crowd, making his bronzed pecs dance. The crowd cheers, spurring him on to further feats of tight-muscled posing. As the referee raises their hands in victory, Mike looks over at Billy, who is still flexing his free arm, and seems to get a little misty-eyed. Cat Stevens’ emotional ballad, Father and Son, starts to play. Mike coughs and mutters “Er, I’ve got something in my eye…”
Winners: Superstar Billy & Mike Graham
As the first day of the Festive Family Feast draws to a close, Mr X and Larry Sharpe are counting the meagre takings from the merch stall. Larry notices Mr X’s mask is a little damp beneath the eyes.
Larry -
"Are you alright, mate?"Mr X -
"Ah, it’s nothing… It’s just… these father-and-son events always make me think about what could have been, you know."Larry -
"If you hadn’t broken up you mean, if she hadn’t taken the boys?"Mr X, nodding -
"I always wondered if they would grow up to be wrestlers, if we would tag together… But they were so young when she left, and with me being on the road so much we just couldn’t stay in touch."Larry, sighing -
"It’s tough. You know I always say I’m married to the job. What were their names again?"Mr X -
"Matthew and Nicholas."Larry -
"Well I’m sure if they are wrestling, we’ll hear about them - they’ll have got your talent!"Mr X -
"Thanks mate. Shall we go home now? I think Carry On Camping is on TV later."Join us for the second day of Festive Family Feast - coming soon!
Nice to see Street picking up a win and fun stuff overall. Great work on Leaping Lanny's poem as well.
Nice to see Street picking up a win and fun stuff overall. Great work on Leaping Lanny's poem as well.
