Fist Pump Wrestling presents: Friday Night Fist Pump
“Oh! Call the firehouse – woo woooooo!”
As the audience files into the building,
Larry Sharpe and
Mr X are setting up the merch stand. The whole building appears sepia-toned, there’s not a strobe light in sight – the Olde World Order have sacked all the lighting technicians. As Mr X unpacks a box of replica Jushin Thunder Liger masks, Larry Sharpe tries on a new design in FPW-branded sunglasses that he has just commissioned, and chuckles proudly.
Larry Sharpe -
“Well mate, that’s a surprise isn’t it – Brad Armstrong in league with the Olde World Order! I can’t believe he’d turn against FPW like this.”
Mr X -
“I know - I thought he loved gimmicks! Remember the one where he wore stripy tights and gave out sweets to the kids?”
Larry Sharpe -
“Candyman! – and remember the one where he was a purple gimp?”
Mr X -
“You mean Arachnaman! I think he was meant to be a purple Spiderman… It only lasted about 2 weeks anyway. Copyright infringement.”
Larry Sharpe -
“That’s a shame. Then there was the rapper soldier thing – what WAS that?! B.A. I think he was called. Thankfully that one didn’t last long…”
Mr X –
“And that one where he parodied his brother – BuzzKill wasn’t it? I liked that one! It was over too quickly, I thought. [shaking his head]
The fans didn’t get it.”
Larry Sharpe -
“What was the one in the black costume, hanging round with PS Hayes? Fantasia? Whatever happened to that?” Mr X -
“Copyright infringement again. They changed the name to Badstreet but it just wasn’t the same.”
Larry Sharpe -
“You know mate, I’m beginning to see why Brad might have a problem with gimmicks…”
*****
Parental trio
The Dads (Iron Mike Dibiase, Bob Orton Snr and Johnny Valentine) get the evening off to a fine start against the team of
Mr X, Larry Sharpe and new recruit Spellbinder. Spellbinder leads the way down the ramp but his entrance is lacking its usual magical atmosphere – there’s no dry ice today as this has been banned by the Olde World Order (OWO) and he has no top hat or flaming cane since they were stolen by Ed and Evan Strangler Lewis last week. An Atomic Skullcrusher from Jonny Valentine dispatches Sharpe early in the match, rendering him useless from this point on. Mr X vaults over the ropes to go toe-to-toe with the senior Bob Orton but no sooner has he entered the ring than Orton sends him flying over the ropes again, tumbling a*se over t*t into the ringside photographers. Spellbinder lifts his unconscious teammate back into the ring and immediately makes the tag. Spellbinder is now on his own. He rallies against Iron Mike Dibiase, hitting a huge fallaway slam that has the audience on their feet – could we see a victory for Spellbinder alone against The Dads?! Alas no, the numbers overwhelm the Magical One. Dibiase, Orton and Valentine each execute their finishers on Spellbinder, leaving him sprawling in the ring as they celebrate their victory all the way back to the locker room.
Winners: The Dads (Iron Mike Dibiase, Bob Orton Snr and Johnny Valentine)
***
During a brief interlude, the big screen crackles into life and shows a message from the OWO. The same message has been printed out and pinned to every noticeboard backstage.
***
The action continues next with the brooding
Ox Baker against
Bruiser ‘The Body’ Costa. The two pound and stamp on each other until Costa drops a knee on Baker, leaving his opponent vulnerable. Costa attempts some kind of crazy finisher involving a Bunsen burner which he has somehow smuggled down to the ring in his trunks. (Who knows what else he could be smuggling in there? The mind boggles…) Unfortunately, this intriguing finisher takes far too long to set up and, while Costa is fiddling with the Bunsen burner, Baker recovers, landing a savage backbreaker on The Body. Costa rolls out of the ring in agony and instead goes back to his trusty Hot Coffee finisher: stumbling around, clutching his back in pain, he grabs a hot cup of coffee from a ringside fan (who squeals in delight at being chosen) and hurls the coffee into the ring. His aim is affected by his back pain, however, and splashes of scalding liquid land on both Baker and the referee, who immediately motions for the bell.
Winner: Ox Baker (by DQ)
***
The big screen shows a pre-recorded clip of
Bob Armstrong visiting his partner in The Chests,
Mike Graham, in hospital. It’s a one-sided conversation as Mike’s jaw is still wired shut. Mike is incensed to learn that Brad Armstrong turned on Bob last week and appears to have sided with the Olde World Order. Bob agrees:
“That chestless, good for nothin’ son o’ mine – he deserves a good ol’ country whippin’! Me an’ my Tennessee Toothpick are gonna teach him some Southern justice!” A nurse arrives to see to Mike’s intimate needs, and Bob bids his partner farewell and leaves. Through the window, the camera picks up a look of horror on Mike Graham’s face: just visible below the nurse’s scrubs are a battered pair of cowboy boots. The nurse pulls down their surgical face mask to reveal a bushy, dark moustache and a friendly, Texan grin. “Well howdy, pardner! I’ve heard you need some help here. Now don’t you worry, Cowboy Scott Casey will give you a hand…”
***
Ed Strangler Lewis and Evan Strangler Lewis take on
Matt and Nick Jackson. The Jacksons’ superior teamwork pays dividends as they batter Evan with high flying offence that he cannot counter. The brothers Jackson score several nearfalls and it looks like victory is in sight! As they connect with More Bang for Your Buck, the remaining Olde World Order members appear from nowhere on the ring apron – Frank Gotch, William Muldoon and Brad Armstrong. Brad Armstrong distracts the referee while Muldoon and Gotch execute a cruel low blow simultaneously on the brothers, allowing the Strangler Lewises to pin a Jackson apiece.
Winners: Ed Strangler Lewis & Evan Strangler Lewis
Ron Hutchison timidly makes his way to the ring in the buttock-skimming shortie ring cloak that we all know and love. As Hutchison limbers up with a few lunges, his opponent
Buddy Landel sneers “You must be a few sandwiches short of a picnic, boy.” Hutchison manages to get a couple of moves in but ultimately comes up short against the Tennesee native. Landel makes short work of Hutchinson, flicking his blond hair in arrogance as he sends Hutchison into the ropes, hard. A brutal short arm clothesline nearly takes Hutchison’s head off. To cut a long story short, Landel scores an easy victory.
Winner: Buddy Landel
Brad Armstrong makes his way to the ring to a deafening chorus of boos. There’s nothing the simple folk of FPW hate more than a hero turned bad – there was no bigger hero in FPW and now there is nobody more hated. On the front row, a man holds up small girl who spits at Armstrong, the blob of saliva landing right in Armstrong’s wet, slicked-back mullet. Livid, Armstrong launches himself at the child, knocking several people to the floor and punching everyone in sight until security pulls him away. In the ring, shaking his head, stands
Jushin T. Liger (“the T stands for ‘Thunder’!”). Despite – or perhaps because of – the violent start, the energy in the hall is sky high and the crowd are screaming hot for this one. Liger and Armstrong trade holds and moves for ages, first one gaining the upper hand then the other. As the action reaches a peak, loud cheers alert the competitors to something happening –
BOB ARMSTRONG is standing at the top of the ramp smacking a baseball bat on his palm. In the wings, Brian Armstrong helpfully holds a microphone for his father.
“Son, you may have got one over on me last week but you won’t take me for a fool again. As the old saying goes, hell hath no fury like an Armstrong scorned. I’m pushing iron every day down at Armstrong Electric Avenue, and I’m packing about 230pounds of solid steel. When you get outta that ring, when you walk around backstage, when you work out at the gym, you better look sharp, because me and my Tennessee Toothpick will be waiting for you.”
As the crowd roars, Jushin Liger springs into action, unleashing a flurry of kicks and throws on the distracted Brad Armstrong. Bob and Brian Armstrong turn away and leave, as Liger traps Brad Armstrong in a surfboard to score a submission victory.
Winner: Jushin T. Liger
*** Main Event: FPW Co-Champions Al Snow and Head in non title action ***
It’s now time for our main event and OWO ringleaders
Frank Gotch and William Muldoon await their opponents in the ring. Popular
FPW Co-Champions Al Snow and Head make their way to the ring to a red hot welcome from the audience and, after briefly discussing tactics, Snow places Head in the corner of the ring. Muldoon takes a mic and addresses Al Snow.
“You may think I’m only after you because I want that FPW Championship. Well, you’d be wrong. You see, we’ve got history, Al. It’s YOUR fault we lost the Tag Team Championship. I knew you were a little crazy but then you totally lost it – you’re in love with a HEAD, a DOLL! And if you weren’t, we’d still be Tag Team Champions. So it’s not just that I want a Championship: you OWE me a Championship.” The crowd boos loudly.
Frank Gotch chimes in -
“That’s another thing we’ll be adding to the list of banned gimmicks. No more dolls.” The crowd boos even louder.
Incensed, Snow screams
“Head is NOT a DOLL!” and rushes Muldoon, landing some solid punches as the pair brawl on the canvas. The boos turn to cheers – and we’ve got a match on our hands! It’s a hard-hitting match as these former partners trade blows. Muldoon delights in slamming Snow with a body lift and throw, but Snow kicks out easily and comes back hard. Muldoon tags in Frank Gotch who continue the offence against Snow. The Co-Champion reaches out to his corner but is unable to tag to Head. Snow returns offence as best he can but Muldoon and Gotch cut the ring in half so this is almost a two-on-one handicap match. Gotch sees Snow is tiring and locks on the Gotch Toe Hold. Snow yells in pain and looks over to Head for help, but she can only smile in sympathy and Snow is forced to tap.
Winners: Frank Gotch and William Muldoon
As Snow crawls over to his corner and cradles Head, Muldoon stands over him and motions to his waist where a Championship belt might one day sit.
“Next week, Al. Next week I’m taking that belt.”
*****
As the audience files out of the building,
Larry Sharpe and Mr X finish packing up the merchandise stand. There’s a melancholy atmosphere, made worse as Ed and Evan Strangler Lewis approach.
Ed Lewis, picking up a box of bumbags –
“We’ll take these”
Evan Lewis – picking up a box of assorted visors, glowsticks and sunglasses –
“And these. In fact, you won’t be needing any of this garbage anymore. It’s going in the trash where it belongs.”
Aghast, My X and Larry Sharpe look at each other and then back at the Strangler Lewises.
Mr X –
“But… but the fans love this stuff! What will we sell?”
Ed Lewis –
“They’re here for wrestling, so we will give them wrestling. Pure wrestling, and nothing else. There’s no need for these tacky trinkets. Now get out of here, before we dispose of you too.”
Dejected, Larry Sharpe and Mr X walk away, and as they look over their shoulders they see the Strangler Lewises have been joined by Brad Armstrong. The three OWO members are stamping on the new FPW-branded sunglasses and emptying boxes of merchandise into the rubbish bins.
A single tear rolls down Larry Sharpe’s face. Mr X puts a friendly arm round him,
“We won’t let them get away with it, Lar. The rest of the boys won’t either. You’ll see!”.
Hang in there, F-P-Dubbers! Surely someone can stand up to the fossilised menace that is the Olde World Order?
, of the show by our friend 
