DPW #12 - NO LAUGHING MATTER on Pay-Per-View
Welcome to Dynamo Pro! Welcome to NO LAUGHING MATTER live on pay-per-view! We’re coming to you from the Enterprise Center in St. Louis, MO for this huge night of action, let’s get down to the ring!
In-Ring Segment: Crowd pops huge for
Kurt Angle’s theme song as the returning legend emerges from the curtains and begins his trek down to the ringside area. Angle takes a microphone and greets the crowd, “It’s great to be back! It’s great to be back in the
United States, it’s great to be back in
Saint Louis, MO, and it’s great to be back in
Dynamo Pro!” The crowd is chanting,
“Welcome back! Welcome back!” Angle continues, “And it’s great to be back as your
Commissioner! I’ve been told that, at the moment, I am unable to put my hands on a certain
Danhausen, due to the fact that I have been reinstated as Commissioner, and he, for now, holds the
Dynamo Pro Heavyweight Championship. Well, he may have thought he’d have the night off since he wasn’t even scheduled to have a match tonight,” crowd boos, “but the card will happen as advertised: we will see
King Claudio take on
Seth “Franklin” Rollins,” crowd continues to boo, “however–,” crowd pops, “the winner will immediately face Danhausen for the Heavyweight Title!” Danhausen surely won’t be happy about this. Where has he been hiding? “You’ll be sorry, Danhausen, that you ever messed with
Kurt Olympics! I mean, Angle, Kurt Angle is my name! Anyway, let’s kick things off with a big
tag team title match! I’m sorry I haven’t been around for all the
DP: Double Team! action, I can’t wait to see it!”
Video Package: Recap of the first two rounds of the
World Tag Beague Tournament on
DP: Double Team! and
The Zoo.
Pre-Match: 5150, Danny Limelight & Slice Boogie, make their entrance first. Danny Limelight has shown impressive agility and Slice Boogie provides the manpower, however they have their work cut out for them tonight.
George “The Animal” Steele enters the stage carrying a bucket of trash and food scraps. Sniffing and snarling along after him is the devastating duo of
Boulder and
Bronson, Bear Country. This
World Tag Beague Tournament Final is bound to be a slobberknocker.
WORLD TAG BEAGUE TOURNAMENT FINALS
DYNAMO PRO TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS
Bear Country (2-0)
[Bear Bronson & Bear Boulder]
w/ George “The Animal” Steele
vs.
5150 (2-0)
[Danny Limelight & Slice Boogie]
Danny Limelight starts off in a flurry against Bear Boulder with a powerful shotgun dropkick ending in a slingshot senton. Limelight hits a New York Minute sending the bear scrambling to make a tag. Bronson comes in and Danny Limelight is able to dodge his hard chop and take the offense. Limelight attempts a sling blade but the big bear doesn’t budge. Bronson counters with an impressive standing uranage knocking the sense out of Limelight. Bronson follows up with a quick pinning attempt but it hasn’t been enough to end this battle. Bronson tosses Limelight to the outside and he follows his prey. George Steele on the outside is telling Bronson, “Do it! Do it!” and waving a scrap of fried chicken. Bear Bronson whips Danny Limelight into the guardrail hard and he crashes down to the concrete floor on his neck. George “The Animal” Steele says, “Good! Good!” and tosses the food scraps to Bear Bronson who devours it whole before tossing Danny Limelight back into the ring. Bear Bronson tags in Boulder and they execute the ELEVATOR DROP on the prone Limelight in the middle of the ring. Slice Boogie steps through the ropes to intervene but Bear Bronson tackles him and sends him flying back to the outside. 1-2-KICK OUT! Bear Boulder tags Bronson in and hits a Kodiak Cannonball. Limelight needs to make that tag. He’s reaching, he’s crawling. Bronson with the Bear Trap and a standing uranage. Pin attempt. 1-2-KICK OUT! Bear Bronson hits a gnarly package piledriver. Can Limelight do it? He leaps forward and gets the tag! Slice Boogie comes in with middle fingers flying and big forearm smashes. Bronson attempts to put him in a choke but Slice Boogie wiggles free but the bear takes over. After some back and forth Bear Bronson hits another brutal standing uranage and goes for the pin. 1-2-Boogie barely kicks out. The action goes back and forth some more. Slice Boogie impresses everyone with a big powerbomb to the mighty bear but he gets back to his feet and roars. Bear Bronson hits a pump-handle exploder on Slice Boogie and floats over into a pinning combination. His meaty paws hook the leg. 1-2-NEW CHAMPIONS!
Result: Bear Country d. 5150 by pinfall when Bear Bronson pins Slice Boogie following a pump-handle exploder to win the World Tag Beague Tournament and become the inaugural Dynamo Pro Tag Team Champions
Post-Match: George “The Animal” Steele joins his men in the ring. The referee goes to raise
Bear Country’s hands but they snarl and growl causing the ref to flee. The ref brings George Steele the
Tag Team Title belts and George Steele presents them to the duo. They were busy eating from both hands from Steele’s slop bucket and would rather keep feasting so George Steele carries their title belts for them as they return to the locker room to celebrate their championship victory, no doubt to eat more trash.
Backstage Segment: Kurt Angle is backstage talking with
“Living Legend” Larry Zbyszko. Angle inquires, “Seriously, Larry, you can’t tell me anything about this
Danhausen?” The Living Legend scoffs, “He’s a nut! He’s a fruitcake!” Angle responds, “Zbyszko, this is the wrestling business, I’ve seen some characters in my time.” Zbyszko says, “No, Kurt, you don’t get it. This guy is from another planet. Seriously, half the time I don’t think he’s even speaking English. He’s been hiding since he won that title last week!” Angle retorts, “You may not know where he is, but before Danhausen won the title, I snuck into
Claudio’s locker room and placed a tracking device behind one of the sideplates on the
Heavyweight Title belt.” “You did what?!” “That’s right, with this app–” Angle pulls out his smartphone, “I can track Danhausen wherever he is!” The smartphone begins to beep. Angle exclaims, “I’m getting a signal! Come on, let’s find that little bastard!” Angle and Zbyszko begin their hunt through the
Enterprise Center.
Pre-Match: It was just over a month ago when
Eddie Kingston came down with
Space Monkeypox, a dangerous virus which renders the victim unable to speak like a normal person, causes them to abandon normal instincts of decency and sportsmanship, and induces a debilitating craving for bananas… apparently. Kingston defeated
Absolute Ricky Starks in the opening round of the
King of the Zoo Tournament at
ON THE LOOSE and since then
Space Monkey and
Monkie Kingston have made life hell for Starks, eventually sabotaging Starks’ car and then committing a roadside assault on Ricky dressed as EMTs and tow truck drivers. Starks has had enough and has vowed to cure Space Monkeypox and bring the real Eddie Kingston back. Monkie Kingston makes his entrance first, accompanied by Space Monkey. Both athletes are dressed in matching space suits with big, glass space helmets. They remove their helmets while posing on the stage and begin their march to the ring, chattering and screeching in conversation on the way. Next to enter is Absolute Ricky Starks, he poses on the stage, he poses on the turnbuckle, but he’s got a determined look on his face. Kingston has been like a big brother to Ricky in various locker rooms, Ricky is worried for his friend. Monkey business aside, let’s get this match underway. Ding, ding, ding.
Ricky Starks (5-1)
vs.
Monkie Kingston (3-2)
w/ Space Monkey
Starks brags, poses, and punches Kingston in the face to start things off. Kingston screeches wildly. Kingston overpowers Starks and goes on an assault, Starks attempts a bodyslam but can’t get the larger man off his feet. Kingston continues to chop and choke Absolute Ricky Starks. Starks comes back with a big clothesline and implant DDT on Monkie Kingston. Starks tries another bodyslam but still can’t lift him, Kingston backs him up and hits a brutal yakuza kick in the corner. Kingston hits a backdrop driver and goes for the pin but Starks gets his shoulder off the mat. Kingston clotheslines Starks over the top rope, Ricky spilling to the floor. Kingston rolls beneath the bottom rope and tries to smash a banana into Ricky’s face but the ref reaches down and snatches it from Kingston’s hands. Kingston pulls a second banana from his jocks and hits Ricky Starks right in the eye before tossing him back into the ring. Backfist to the Future sends Ricky into the corner and Monkie Kingston hits several yakuza kicks before attempting another pin. Kickout. Kingston climbs the turnbuckle and comes careening down onto Starks with a big belly flop splash from the bigger man. Starks is coming back. He’s shaking off the chops from Kingston by wiggling his hips, dancing, and slapping Kingston in the face defiantly. Starks continues his comeback, hitting a running dropkick. Kingston shuts it down with a backhand chop to Starks, the action goes back and forth. Starks hooks in a sleeper hold on Kingston but Kingston gets to the ropes. Starks climbs the turnbuckle and blasts Kingston with a flying clothesline. The Old School puts down Kingston and Kingston rolls to the outside. Starks follows him. Starks reaches into his trunks and pulls out a hypodermic needle. What is going to do with that? Ricky Starks jabs the needle into Monkie Kingston’s fleshy backside and the ref refuses to disqualify. Starks tosses Kingston back in, hits the Famous Amos and goes for the pin but Kingston kicks out. Starks hits the Buster Keaton but Kingston kicks out, but not as forcefully this time. Starks takes it to Kingston but Kingston tosses Starks between the ropes to the outside. Kingston joins him but Starks grabs Kingston and hip tosses him right into the timekeeper’s table. Starks with another Famous Amos and hooks in a sleeperhold again on Kingston. Kingston wiggles free and escapes the ring once more. He grabs Starks by the ankle and drags him to the outside. Kingston grabs his space helmet and motions that he’s going to attack Starks with it but he hesitates. Is Kingston debating on whether or not to cheat? Starks looks hopeful for the possibility that his injection of a Space Monkeypox cure may be working. This hope is squashed when Space Monkey distracts the referee and Monkie Kingston smashes the space helmet to bits over Starks’ head, lacerating his forehead, blood trickling down The Stroke Daddy’s face. Backfist to the Future and a bite to the bloody forehead of Starks. Kingston assaults Starks in the corner with a brutal series of kicks and chops, Kingston goes for the pin but Starks manages to kick out. Kingston hits his LARIAT and goes for the pin but Starks kicks out at the count of ONE. What?! Kingston screeches, climbs to the top turnbuckle, another big splash could end this one for Absolute Ricky Starks. Starks leaps to his feet and tosses the Primate from Yonkers down hard in the center of the ring. Can Starks do it? RIcky Starks hits the ROSHAMBO and gets the 1-2-3 on Monkie Kingston!
Result: Ricky Starks d. Monkie Kingston by pinfall following ROSHAMBO
Post-Match: He is bloody and he is bruised but
Absolute Ricky Starks has done it.
Monkie Kingston looks woozy. He’s grabbing at the site that Starks jabbed him with the
hypodermic needle and then he passes out cold in the ring.
Space Monkey is jumping and screeching as medical personnel attend to Kingston.
Animal Control shows up and tranquilizes Space Monkey and both athletes are tended to by the appropriate professionals. Ricky Starks has done what he can to bring his friend back from this terrible virus, hopefully it’s enough. Starks, though bloody and battered, poses on the turnbuckle. Starks is still on the rise here in
Dynamo Pro.
Backstage Segment: Beep. Beep. Beep. Commissioner Kurt Angle and
Larry Zbyszko are scouring the arena looking for
Dynamo Pro Heavyweight Champion Danhausen. Angle’s smartphone belt-tracker app is beeping wildly as they enter a restroom. “He’s gotta be in here somewhere!” They approach the middle bathroom stall with the door closed.
Beepbeepbeepbeep. Angle kicks open the stall door but Danhausen is not there, the title belt, however, is propped up on the back of the toilet tank. “Where is he?!” shouts Angle. “We gotta find him! He can’t be far!” Angle and Zbyszko begin checking the other stalls when they hear a FLUSHHHHH and they go racing back to the middle stall. The belt is gone. The water is swirling.
Beep, beep, beep. Zbyszko cries, “What is going on?” Angle says, “It’s on the move again, let’s go!” Angle bursts out of the bathroom on his hunt while Larry Zbyszko stops to wash his hands.
Backstage Interview: Jim Cornette and
King Claudio are backstage at the interview set. Jim Cornette says, “It’s an embarrassment is what it is. That match last week for the title was not signed, that cage match was not sanctioned, it’s ridiculous that that
face painted freak is running around with King Claudio’s rightful title. Tonight, the King is going to squash
Seth “Franklin” Rollins, he’s going to take his title back from
Danhausen, and he’s going to make sure that
NO GIANT MUTANT RACCOONS are going to be impersonating Dynamo Pro superstars!” What is this again about a
giant, mutant raccoon? Has the loquacious lad from Louisville lost it?
Pre-Match: MJF employed
Mr. Hughes as his bodyguard in
World Powerhouse Wrestling until MJF dropped Hughes and began teaming with
Effy. The team of
MJEffy was successful in their program against
Will Ospreay and
The United Empire, but they haven’t had as much success here in
Dynamo Pro. Two weeks ago on
DP: Double Team! MJF’s promo was interrupted by Mr. Hughes, wanting some sort of payback for the way he was treated in the past, and MJF challenged him to a tag team match tonight. MJEffy makes their entrance first. Next, Mr. Hughes comes out to the stage. MJF takes a mic and asks, “So,
Curtis, did you find anyone willing to be your partner tonight, or are you as big a loser as Effy and I suspect?” Mr. Hughes says, “The name is
MISTER HUGHES, and you’re gonna regret running that mouth of yours.” Mr. Hughes rips open his button-up shirt to reveal a T-shirt underneath. It reads,
“BLM - Black Lads Matter,” and he is joined on the stage by
Jay Lethal, Swerve Strickland, and Scorpio Sky. It looks like
The Black Lads have procured a bodyguard!
MJEffy (0-2)
[MJF & Effy]
vs.
The Black Lads
[Mr. Hughes & Jay Lethal]
Effy starts off against Mr. Hughes and uses his agility to his advantage. Hughes overpowers Effy and hits a spike slam, goes for a pin, but Effy kicks out. Hughes hits a powerbomb and a headbutt, rocking Effy. Effy reaches for a tag but can’t make it, MJF is stretching as far as he can. Hughes tosses Effy into the ropes but Effy returns with a flying hip attack right to Hughes’ face! Effy hooks in the DRAG QUEEN SLEEPER on Hughes, Jay Lethal tries to rescue his partner but MJF intercepts him and Hughes makes it to the ropes for a break. Effy tries a suplex on Hughes but Hughes counters with a headbutt. Hughes tags Jay Lethal into the match who hurts Effy with a springboard DDT. Effy comes back with a Ruff Rider and he finally makes the hot tag to MJF. Here it is Driver puts Lethal down. MJF tosses Lethal to the outside, MJF follows and a wild brawl erupts. Lethal wins the brawl and tosses MJF back in, Lethal hits his LETHAL INJECTION out of nowhere and goes for the pin. Hughes yanks Effy off the apron but MJF is able to kick out. MJF with a Here it is Driver and a pin but Lethal kicks out. A hammerlock powerbomb and another pin and kick out. MJF hits the HEATSEEKER piledriver and goes for another pinning attempt. Lethal is able to break the pin, Effy flies over the legal men taking Mr. Hughes with him crashing through the ropes to the outside. MJF plants Jay Lethal with one more HEATSEEKER piledriver and hooks the leg. 1-2-3.
Result: MJEffy d. The Black Lads when MJF pins Jay Lethal following HEATSEEKER
Post-Match: Not a great first outing with
The Black Lads for
Mr. Hughes.
MJF leads the crowd in a chant of
“Curtis! Curtis! Curtis!” which gets under the skin of Hughes.
MJEffy embraces in the ring and the ref holds up their hands in victory. MJEffy has intimated that they want to be the first to challenge for the new
Dynamo Pro Tag Team Titles. When will we see gold around the waists of MJEffy?
Backstage Segment: Mike Bennett is backstage with
Khosrow Vaziri, The Iron Sheik. Mike Bennett, quite the motivational speaker, is having a sit-down with Sheiky. Bennett begins, “So, Khosrow, I understand you have a big match coming up at
WPW CLASH AT CASTLE CORNETTE?” Sheiky responds, “Yes, big match. World Title match. Sheik will win.” Bennett continues, “I admire your confidence, Khosrow. How do you think your opponent, current
WPW World Champion Macho Man Randy Savage feels?” “F*CK RANDY SAVAGE!” “Okay, I see your point of view. What, uh, would you say is your best tool to help accomplish your goals?” “Sheik has TEN INCH C*CK.” “Alright, that is, um, admirable as well. How will you use this… tool, to your advantage?” “Sheik will DESTROY MACHO MAN WITH HIS TEN INCH C*CK!” “You know, Khosrow, sometimes I find it is more productive to think positively. You know, glass half full? Instead of thinking of what you can destroy with your tools, think of what you can build.” “What Khosrow can build with his tool? Khosrow will impregnate EVERY WOMAN. Khosrow will BUILD ARMY. ARMY WILL DESTROY MACHO MAN!” Sheik spits on the floor. "Alright, Khosrow, I think that’ll be enough for this session. Good luck in your title match at
WPW CLASH AT CASTLE CORNETTE.” Sheik says, “Thank you
Sean Mooney,” and gets up to walk away. Mike Bennett lets out an exasperated sigh and takes a slow drink from his
red thermos.
INTERMISSION
