The Final Countdown
July 28, 2012
Portland, Maine
In-Ring Promo: Mike Quackenbush, F.I.S.T., and the BatiriChikara's first show of July opened with Mike Quackenbush coming out to the ring, clearly looking a little haggard. He seemed to have gained a few grey hairs--one for each of the signs in the audience promoting HCW (though they were, of course, overshadowed by the numerous pro-Chikara signs). The promotion's founder called first the Batiri, then F.I.S.T. to the ring to announce the results of the web poll.
QUACKENBUSH: "Well, Chuck Taylor, Johnny Gargano. I guess you guys deserve a congratulations. You earned eleven thousand, three hundred, forty-seven votes."
The members of F.I.S.T. let out a celebratory shout, and demanded the belts.
TAYLOR: "Raccoon City represent!"
QUACKENBUSH: "But the Batiri earned eighteen thousand, three hundred, sixty-nine votes. The Batiri are still our Campeonatos de Parejas!"
Taylor and Gargano went ballistic, but Quack was quick to calm them down.
QUACKENBUSH: "Still, I can't overlook those eleven thousand votes. So you two gentlemen will get a chance--one chance--to regain your titles tonight...in a ladder match!"
CROWD: "Yaaaay!"
QUACKENBUSH: "Understand one thing: tonight
both title belts will be in play. That means if you, Chuck Taylor, and you, Obariyon, each grab onto one title belt, then the two of you--
collectively--will become the Campeonatos de Parejas!"
The crowd erupted in enthusiasm at this prospect. Kodama, Obariyon, and Kobald seemed non-plussed, and left the ring to prepare for their match later in the evening. Taylor and Gargano, however, came completely unglued. They turned on Quackenbush, and each took a step forward...
And then the lights in the arena went out. The crowd assumed it was some sort of technical malfunction, followed by another malfunction as the show's theme song, "The Final Countdown," began playing for the second time. Then strobe lights started flashing...and someone activated a smoke machine near the entryway...
CROWD: "Best in the world! Best in the world!"
On cue, former WWE superstar Bryan Danielson came tearing down the aisle! He slide beneath the bottom rope and attacked both members of F.I.S.T.! Reverse knife edge to Taylor! Roundhouse kick to Gargano! Irish Whip on Taylor, followed by a dropkick! German suplex on Gargano! The former champions rolled out of the ring and retreated to the back as the crowd went wild! Quackenbush and Danielson exchanged a quick hug.
CROWD: "Next grand champ! Next grand champ!"
The chant brought a smile to Danielson's face, and he requested the microphone from Mike Quackenbush.
DANIELSON: "Heh...Wow. Thanks for that. I'm not really ready to compete tonight, but if Mike wouldn't mind, I'd love to join Gavin Loudspeaker on commentary..."
Quackenbush grinned and nodded enthusiastically, and the crowd erupted again.
DANIELSON: "Thank you, Mike. I know you're a man of your word, so you won't back off that position, even if I take a minute to do what the kids are calling...a 'shoot.'"
CROWD: "Whoooooo!"
DANIELSON: "You know, I call myself the Best in the World, but being the best doesn't mean you never make mistakes. And when I look at my career, there are three mistakes that really stand out. The first was when I left Ring of Honor and signed up with the WWE."
CROWD: "Vince sucks! Vince sucks! Vince sucks!"
DANIELSON: "No no, hang on a minute. I wouldn't expect to find much love for the 'E at a Chikara event, but let me tell you something. They have a product, and they have a market. Maybe this isn't their market. Maybe I was never going to be a good fit there. But I knew going in that I'd be giving up wrestling for 'sports entertainment,' and I knew that would be a bad fit, and that's on me, not on them."
CROWD: "Danielson! Danielson! Danielson!"
DANIELSON: "Now, the third mistake I made was going
back to the 'E after they fired me for choking Justin Roberts on national television with a necktie. In fact, when I reflect on my time with them, that incident sums up everything about it: there I was, doing my best to get an angle over, add some realism to their soap operas, and rather than getting a pat on the back, or a 'Nice job, Bryan,' I got fired!"
CROWD: "Boo!"
DANIELSON: "I know, right? So yeah, I went back, and they paid me a good amount of money to do what I love in front of a national audience, and I'm very grateful for that. But I need to say thank you to my friend, John Hennigan, for making it possible for me to get back where I belong!"
CROWD: "Next grand champ! Next grand champ!"
DANIELSON: "Which brings me to the second mistake I made in my career, and honestly, I think this is a bigger one than the other two. When I had that break, between the run on NXT and the return at Survivor Series...I chose to waste even one second of that precious time coming to this screwed-up, sci-fi, cartoon network wanna-be promotion, and displaying my talents in front of you morons!"
CROWD: "Ya...wait, what?"
DANIELSON: "When I think that I had one brief moment where I could have been in Japan, or Mexico, or competing in Ring of Honor, or PWG...or that I could have signed with TNA and put on five-star matches with A.J. Styles and Kurt Angle, and instead...I came to this pathetic, ridiculous waste of space... Tell me one thing, Mike Quackenbush: how is it you people can't even draw flies, when you're one of the biggest, steaming piles of crap in this business?"
Quackenbush was outraged, of course, and as he attempted to grab the microphone, Danielson unloaded with an absolutely savage kick to the groin! The Chikara founder crashed to the mat, crumpled in half, and Danielson sneered in contempt.
DANIELSON: "Good luck in that match against Icarus...Duck Boy!"
Danielson dropped the microphone and left the ring, bullying his way past the medics that were rushing to the founder's side, and taking his promised position beside Gavin Loudspeaker at the commentary table.
Frightmare vs. Archibald PeckPeck offered virtually no resistance to the masked man, who picked up an easy win with a flying body press.
WINNER: Frightmare via pinfall (2:19) --
Post-Match CommentaryDANIELSON: "Two-minute opener? Way to draw in the audience, Chikara."
LOUDSPEAKER: "Why are you even here?"
DANIELSON: "Easy. To tell people about all the
real wrestling they'll see if they shut off this nonsense and turn on HCW."
The Colony vs. The BrotherhoodTim Donst and Jakob Hammermeier--okay, mostly Tim Donst--started out very strong in this match, isolating Fire Ant from his corner and pounding him into the mat. Donst punished the masked man with several submission holds, and would have pinned him after the SDT if Soldier Ant hadn't made the save.
Things broke down when Hammermeier tagged himself into the match. The BDK figurehead mounted the top rope and flew, but Fire Ant rolled out of the way and Hammermeier slammed into the mat. A hot tag was made, and Soldier Ant charged into the ring and planted Hammermeier with a TKO. Donst was there to prevent the pinfall, but a still-weary Fire Ant charged at him, and both men tumbled over the top rope. Another TKO put Hammermeier down for three, earning the Colony their second point!
WINNERS: The Colony via pinfall (9:41) *½
Post-Match DramaAs the Colony made their way to the back (with Soldier Ant half-carrying, half-dragging his partner), Rammstein's "Engel" began playing. Soldier Ant braced for the worst as Claudio Castagnoli, Ares, and Pinkie Sanchez marched out...but Ares called a halt, allowing the masked men to pass by them. Even more interestingly, Sanchez and Castagnoli clapped politely as they resumed their trek towards the back. Once the aisle was clear, the BDK hit the ring, and Donst retrieved a microphone from Gavin Loudspeaker.
DONST: "Jakob! What the hell is wrong with you! What was--"
Castagnoli snatched the microphone away from him.
CASTAGNOLI: "Enough! When you brought us back, you said it was because you wanted backup in conducting the business of the Brotherhood. Well, the business of the Brotherhood is
winning! But you? You make it about
whining!"
An incensed Tim Donst demanded another microphone, and Bryan Danielson happily surrendered his.
DONST: "How dare you? Two times, I've had Eddie Kingston beaten for the Grand Championship! Two times, I was robbed by the official!"
CASTAGNOLI: "Whine! Whine! Whine! Whine! Blah! Blah! Blah!"
DONST: "Whining?
I earned not one, not two, but now three title shots against Kingston! I did this! Me, Tim Donst! Where the hell were you? Down in Florida, working on your tan!"
CASTAGNOLI: "I was making money! More than you could possibly--"
DONST: "You sold out! That's what happened--tell the truth!"
CROWD: "You sold out! You sold out!"
CASTAGNOLI: "Whether I did, or I didn't, I'm here now, and I think we have an issue. See, you seem to think you lead the Brotherhood."
DONST: "Think? For months, I
was the Brotherhood, while you were off being an entertainer, 'Antonio!' And you were off, counting euros, Ares. And you were off... Where the hell were you anyway, Pinkie?"
SANCHEZ: "Well, see, there was this redhead with a Schwan's delivery truck, and..."
CASTAGNOLI: "No one cares, Pinkie! Here is our problem. Chikara is under attack. Seventeen, Shard, the Swarm, Heritage, and now Bryan Danielson. These people, they've come in and made everyone forget about the true invaders! The true power! We, the BDK, we dominated Chikara, and we will again! But we will not dominate without real leadership!"
DONST: "And now you want to challenge..."
CASTAGNOLI: "I do not need to challenge, because I do not believe you have the raw skills you need. That you claim to have. I think Eddie Kingston will beat you again, and I will bet on it."
DONST: "Bet?"
CASTAGNOLI: "If you win the Grand Championship tomorrow night, you will have proven beyond all doubt that you are fit to lead us. I will fall in line. So will Ares, so will Jakob."
SANCHEZ: "So will I!"
CASTAGNOLI: "So will Pinkie. We will fall in line like good soldiers, and we will trust you--trust you, Tim Donst--to lead us into battle...against Gekido."
CROWD: "Yay!"
CASTAGNOLI: "And we--not Ares, not I--will never, ever question you again. But if you lose, Tim Donst. If you lose to Eddie Kingston...again...you will leave Chikara. Forever."
DONST: "Why would I agree to that?"
ARES: "Because, in case you haven't noticed...we have you surrounded. And if you do not agree, we
will strike you down. Right now."
Indeed, Donst's retreat was cut off from every side, and he suddenly realized he was very much a stranger in an unfriendly land.
DONST: "Alright! Alright, fine! I agree to your stupid bet. But I want something!"
ARES: "You are in no position--"
DONST: "Not from you! Eddie Kingston, you know damn well I had you beat in Ontario, and I had you beat again in Indiana. If it weren't for that stupid Bryce Remsburg, I would be the champion right now!"
CASTAGNOLI: "Again! I say enough! I say we finish him--"
ARES: "Peace, brother. Let him speak."
DONST: "That's right, let me speak! If I'm putting my career in Chikara on the line, I don't want Bryce Remsburg costing me anything else! Kingston--I'm asking you... No, no. I'm
begging you. Make our match...a steel cage match!"
The crowd roared in excitement at the unexpected development, and even Ares and Castagnoli nodded their approval. On Ares' command, the entire Brotherhood--including Donst--fell into position and gave their cross-arm salute, then left the ring together.
Jigsaw vs. HallowickedDespite his power advantage, Hallowicked was unable to assert himself against Jigsaw. While his conditioning kept him in the match despite some big moves by Jigsaw (including a crescent kick that launched Hallowicked over the top rope and to the arena floor), a JIG N' TONIC proved to be too much.
WINNER: Jigsaw via pinfall (5:49) *½
Colt Cabana vs. Brodie LeeThis match exemplified the phrase "nothing to see here." Lee began bending the rules right from the opening bell, and when Cabana tried to retaliate by blasting the Big Rig with a chair, the referee caught him red-handed and called the match off.
WINNER: Brodie Lee via disqualification (1:33) --
Diamond Sun vs. The SwarmThe fans were expecting a wild match, as the Swarm was more or less responsible for the formation of Diamond Sun as a team. They were not disappointed. Ophidian proved he was as resilient as ever, slithering out of hold after hold, and keeping the AssailANT and CombatANT (DeviANT acted as second) off-balance. Dasher Hatfield was all offense, though, and he hammered both members of the Swarm with his signature moves, picking up a near-fall on each of his opponents after GRAND SLAM's.
In the end, Ophidian had AssailANT trapped in his DEATH GRIP, and Hatfield had CombatANT tied up, so DeviANT was forced to make the save. Ophidian saw him coming, though, and spun AssailANT around so that DeviANT hit him, instead. A big dropkick sent DeviANT back to the floor, then Ophidian rolled AssailANT up for the 1-2-3...and Diamond Sun's second point!
WINNERS: Diamond Sun via pinfall (15:39) ***
Post-Match DramaAfter the match was over, Ophidian caught AssailANT in the DEATH GRIP one more time. DeviANT was out on the floor, and CombatANT was still getting pounded by Dasher Hatfield, so there was no one to save AssailANT as Ophidian squeezed...and squeezed...and squeezed, until the Gekido thug finally screamed in agony. (Ringside fans watching closely would later swear they saw AssailANT's shoulder distort with a sudden, sickening "POP.") Ophidian finally released the hold, and AssailANT grabbed his shoulder in obvious distress while medics arrived to tend to him.
DANIELSON: "Beautiful. Just beautiful. Is this how you 'noble' Chikara warriors treat your enemies?"
LOUDSPEAKER: "Oh, come on! The Gekido have been ambushing and injuring our roster for weeks! Months, even!"
DANIELSON: "Oh, so two wrongs make a right, then?"
LOUDSPEAKER: "Grr!"
Mike Quackenbush vs. IcarusQuackenbush was moving slowly and stiffly, still feeling the effects of Bryan Danielson's attack earlier in the night. Icarus took full advantage of Quackenbush's incapacitation, and nearly pulled out a win on two separate occasions. Gradually, the promotion's founder began to build some momentum (a number of vocal, nasty taunts from Danielson at ringside may have spurred him on, as well). After Icarus sent him into the ropes and telegraphed a back body drop, Quackenbush scored with a kick to the face and a QUACKENDRIVER II--however, this brought Danielson to his feet, and the two men began exchanging words. It was only a momentary distraction, but it allowed Icarus to recover and hit his WINGS OF ICARUS for the pin.
WINNER: Icarus via pinfall (11:17) **
Post-Match CommentaryDANIELSON: "Just what every promotion needs in their leader. A guy who can't keep his head long enough to win one simple match."
LOUDSPEAKER: "Bryan Danielson, you caused that loss!"
DANIELSON: "Oh, sure! Blame the best in the world!"
Green Ant vs. ShardWhat started out as a fabulous match, and promised to match their previous encounter, ended abruptly when a Yakuza Kick by Shard rattled Green Ant's brains. Shard caught him in a waistlock, hoisted him up with a German suplex, and arched into a bridge to pick up the win.
WINNER: Shard via pinfall (5:15) ½
MAIN EVENT: The Batiri (c) vs. F.I.S.T. in a Ladder Match for the Campeonatos de ParejasThe fans were expecting a wild encounter, and they were not disappointed. The Batiri needed no excuse to unload on their opponents with violence, and both members of F.I.S.T. were clearly willing to leave everything in the ring in an effort to regain their titles. Johnny Gargano hoisted the ladder up onto his shoulder and used it as a battering ram, cracking Obariyon in the face, in one highlight. Chuck Taylor climbed to the top of a ladder and dove from the very top onto Kodama, lying on the arena floor, in another. Nevertheless, the demonic champions were able to fight back and even the odds, though all four men were battered and everyone but Johnny Gargano was bleeding at that point.
Suddenly, Bryan Danielson hopped to his feet and began motioning towards the ring. Two men hopped over the ringside barricade and began attacking all four competitors as Danielson dropped back into his seat.
No-Contest/Draw (21:42) ***
Post-Match DramaLOUDSPEAKER: "What in the... That's Danny Havoc and Masada!"
DANIELSON: "Get that right, Loudspeaker! It's just Havoc, now--Havoc and Masada, the Ultraviolents...and if I'm not mistaken...the new Chikara champions! Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Indeed, after laying out all four men in the ring, Havoc and Masada climbed to the top of a tall ladder, and each man retrieved one of the title belts. They held their prizes overhead and celebrated from the top of the ladder as the crowd went ballistic, booing and throwing garbage into the ring.
LOUDSPEAKER: "What? No! No way! No way will this be allowed to stick! These guys aren't even on the Chikara roster!"
The show closed with Danielson leaving the broadcast table to celebrate with Masada and Havoc (and to lay in a few kicks on Chuck Taylor for good measure), Loudspeaker still protesting the match outcome.
