SHOW:
Easton PromiseDATE:
April 25, 2003VENUE:
Children‘s Home of EastonLOCATION:
Easton, PA
1.
Jigsaw defeated
Campeon de Parejas Ares when Jigsaw pinned Ares following a Jig ‘N Tonic!
*2.
Ophidian &
Incoherence defeated
UltraMantis Black &
F.I.S.T. when Ophidian submitted Chuck Taylor with a Death Grip!
**3.
Tim Donst &
Crossbones defeated
The Throwbacks when Crossbones pinned Dasher Hatfield after slamming his head into an exposed turnbuckle!
* ULTIMATE UTENSIL-X MATCH *
4.
The Colony defeated
Los Ice Creams when Fire Ant pinned Ice Cream, Jr. following his “Heat of the Moment” Leaping Kick!
**** YOUR MAIN EVENT OF THE AFTERNOON *
5.
2003 King of Trios Sweet & Sour International &
Campeon de Parejas Claudio Castagnoli defeated
Young Lions Cup Champion El Generico,
”Lightning” Mike Quackenbush,
Sara Del Rey &
Amasis by Count Out when Amasis couldn‘t respond to the referee‘s twenty count on the floor!
****
* - Eddie Kingston was on commentary duty for this match and took great delight in reminding all of CHIKARA that he’d both “out-FOUGHT and out-THOUGHT” that “masked freak” Jigsaw two weeks ago in Reading when the “King of Diamonds” beat the “Wrestling Riddle” by count out.
Despite Jigsaw recording an impressive victory over a very game Ares, Kingston wasn’t prepared to offer the 2002 Torneo Cibernetico winner any kind of praise. Instead, the 2003 King of Trios co-winner hogged the mic at the Commentation Station, declaring that he was going to become the first ever CHIKARA Grand Champion at Anniversario in four weeks time.
Busying himself with brash Anniversario predictions, Kingston was unaware of Jigsaw sliding out the ring and making a beeline towards the announcers table. A moment later, the tecnico was stood opposite Kingston who quickly rose to his feet and threw off his head set!
A tense standoff developed with neither man backing down before CHIKARA officials stepped in to put some distance between the bitter rivals. Jigsaw was able to get in the last word though, promising Kingston that they would be meeting again “real soon”…
** - Quality match.
*** - With the stakes so high in this first ever ULTIMATE UTENSIL-X match, both teams stopped at nothing in their attempts to secure the Giant Wooden Spoon that seductively dangled fifteen feet above the middle of the ring!
Conducted under tornado tag rules with no count outs or disqualifications, this was ice cream-on-insect-combat at its grittiest! All four competitors dug deep into their respective arsenals, executing every last move they had to offer in their desperate attempts to grab the spoon and gain the pinfall or submission required for victory!
With countless thrills and spills occurring throughout this 20+ minute showdown, the end came after El Hijo del Ice Cream and Soldier Ant had both crawled across the cables above the ring and grabbed for the Giant Wooden Spoon simultaneously! El Hijo got the better of the “Militant Mat Mite”, taking control of the ludicrously sized spoon and using it to send Soldier Ant crashing down hard to the canvas some fifteen feet below!
El Hijo then tossed the Giant Wooden Spoon down to Ice Cream, Jr. who used the eating implement to take several wild swipes at Fire Ant! Elusive as always, “Hot Property” evaded the frantic spoon shots and hurriedly climbed one of the metal structures rising from the corners of the ring! Getting as much altitude as he could, Fire Ant delivered his patented “Heat of the Moment” Leaping Kick from the top of the metal structure, nailing Ice Cream, Jr. perfectly before covering him for the 1-2-3!
Still clinging to the cables high above the middle of the ring, El Hijo let out a deafening cry of, “EL STUPIDO!!!” before starting to cry like a baby! Fire Ant helped revive Soldier Ant from his nasty bump as the insects got their hands raised in victory, much to the approval of a stunned crowd who clearly had never dreamed of seeing an ULTIMATE UTENSIL-X match!
With Ice Cream, Jr. still knocked silly and El Hijo stuck fifteen feet in the air bawling his eyes out, Soldier Ant left Fire Ant in the ring as he raced to the back and pulled back with him…
A wood chipper!
As El Hijo’s tears intensified, Soldier Ant grabbed the Giant Wooden Spoon while Fire Ant kicked open a fire exit and positioned the wood chipper to face outside. Soldier Ant offered a salute to the troublesome spoon before stuffing it into the wood chipper and sending out its splintered remains into the streets of Easton, much to the approval of the fans in attendance!
A ladder was eventually brought in to help a sobbing El Hijo down from the cables but by that time the Giant Wooden Spoon that he’d grown so obsessed with was no more!
**** - With an incredible amount of heat on show between the eight competitors involved in this Main Event Atomico, tempers flared early and often!
The match built to a pugnacious climax with a stormy eight person brawl taking place both in and out of the ring that saw both teams exchanging closed fists, forearm uppercuts, hard kicks and, in Quack’s case, powerful palm strikes!
The bout ended with Amasis and Claudio Castagnoli fighting in the ring while the other six wrestlers battled outside the squared circle. Rocking the “Most Money Making Man” with a series of stinging blows, Amasis looked close to securing an improbable fall over Castagnoli until the Swiss grappler resorted to a cheap low blow that levelled the “Funky Pharaoh” while the referee was trying to bring order to the chaos outside the ring!
As the fans in Easton booed their hearts out in response to Castagnoli’s cowardly move, the co-holder of Los Campeonatos de Parejas quickly took advantage of the situation. Pulling Amasis back up to his feet, Castagnoli smiled sadistically before cutting his thumb across his throat and using a modified version of his dreaded Ricola Bomb to throw his Egyptian foe OVER THE TOP ROPE AND INTO THE SIX OTHER WRESTLERS fighting outside the ring!
With everyone down and out, save for the arrogant Castagnoli, a twenty count quickly came and the rudo team were awarded a controversial win. Soon afterwards, The Order of the Neo Solar Temple appeared at the curtain and UltraMantis Black, no doubt
in response to Mike Quackenbush’s comments fourteen days ago, ordered his disciples Tim Donst and Crossbones to assault an already exhausted “Master of a Thousand Holds“!
Pandemonium rapidly ensued as moments later Jigsaw, The Colony and The Throwbacks poured from the locker room to prevent the rudos outnumbering the tecnicos! Tensions in CHIKARA had clearly never been more taut as the company headed ever closer to its one year anniversary and the CHIKARA Grand Championship tournament!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! 
That's too funny, loved the results of the Ultimate Utensil X match and the wood chipper ending is a great ending. The wild end to the main event was solid too, the war between Rudos and Tecnicos is truly heating up...
