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A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen...
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Month 4 - Card 5 Match Results:
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1. Big Sue Jackson vs Taeler Hendrix with Clint Eastwood & Clyde:
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A back and forth match largely controlled by Hendrix inside the ring that soon spilled outside the ring and blew up from there. Jackson told Hendrix something inflammatory that succeeded in getting her Irish up and made her beat him within an inch of his life. Hendrix was disqualified before the ref had a murder on his hands...Clint told him - Why can't we just hide the body? (Big Sue Jackson -22 Taeler Hendrix -20).
Jackson Wins By Disqualification
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2. Martial Laws Mean Streets - Patch & Skiver with Sly Drury vs Lance Hoyt & Ox Baker with Bryan Cranston & Aaron Paul:
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With Aaron Paul keeping an eye on the in the ring action, Bryan Cranston, per design, only kept his eye on Sly Drury. Hoyt and Baker showed potential as a team but Patch and Skiver were too seasoned to be defeated by a brand new team. Ultimately Patch pinned an extremely resilient Baker courtesy of his secondary finisher TORTURE RACK. Just prior to a Sly Drury ordered post match ambush, Cranston threw a very small glass container of something directly in front of them on the arena floor that exploded on impact - and knocked Drury, Patch & Skiver onto their backs. They quickly fled the arena once they made it to their feet. (Patch & Skiver +42 Hoyt & Baker -42).
Patch & Skiver Win By Pin
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3. From the World Wide Empire - Triple H vs The Sheik with Abdullah Farouk:
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Triple H came out like a total freight train tossing The Sheik all over the ring with many power moves in attempt to build up the effectiveness of his PEDIGREE PILEDRIVER, but The Sheik had other ideas, in the form of multiple slashing and stabbing attacks with a sharpened fork. A bloodsoaked Triple H picked up The Sheik and threw him over the ropes to the arena floor. Triple H was disqualified when he picked up the entire steel ring steps and hit the Sheik with it. (The Sheik -63. Triple H -23).
The Sheik Wins By Disqualification
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4. Godsend with Kevin Sullivan vs Nick Bockwinkel with Bobby The Brain Heenan - Double Ratings Point No Dq Feud Rematch:
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Godsend showed tremendous even supernatural endurance against the punnishing offense of Nick Bockwinkel. Godsend then seemed to rebound all at once as he soon executed his primary finisher HELLS THRESHOLD - A combo of a Dragon Sleeper into a Heart Claw where his fingers almost dig into the chest. Had it not been a brass knuckle shot by Heenan to break it up, Godsend would have won. After Godsend chased Heenan Bockwinkel recovered and finished the match with a highly effextive Piledriver as Heenan shoulder tackled Sullivan who was about to throw a FIREBALL (Nick Bockwinkel +103 Godsend -103). Nick Bockwinkel wins the feud!
Nick Bockwinkel Wins By Pin
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5. Brodie Lee & Homicide with Thrash vs Ted DiBiase & King Kong Bundy with Sherri Martel:
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The team of DiBiase and Bundy were a more accomplished one than Lee and Homicide, they were better at cutting off the ring, in particular keeping Homicide out of the entire match and made the hot tags that they needed to. But the difference in this match was who could not let their emotions carry them away. After being frustrated by Brodie Lees toughness, DiBiase pushed the envelope despite warnings and repeatedly broke open Lees forehead on the steel ring post and Disqualified himself. (Brodie Lee & Homicide -47 DiBiase & Bundy -89)
Brodie Lee & Homicide Win By Disqualification
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6. TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE MATCH:
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LXG Television Champion - George Hackenschmidt defends his title against Penny Banner with Mr. Fuji:
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Penny Banner turned everybodys heads in attendance on account of Mr. Fuji now appears to be her manager and Banner now has some Japanese characters tatooed on her extreme lower back.
Banner came out all guns blazing out maneuvering and reversing the champ often. But once Hackenschmidt got into a grove, he slowed down the momentum of the match and trapped Banner in many painful holds and compression locks.
But Penny Banner rebounded after being thrown into the ropes and foiling an attempted Back Body Drop with a flawless Sunset Flip for a two count. Hackenschmidt was caught completely off guard when Banner instantaneously executed her primary finisher - SUNSET FLIP and this time held on with everything she had. The count seemed like it was forever - and he was starting to powerout of it. Banner shouted something in Japanese and unbeknownst to the ref, Mr. Fuji was now pushing her back forward for extra leverage, it was enough to score the victory and the title! (Penny Banner +194. George Hackenschmidt +60)
Penny Banner Wins The Match And The Title Via Pin.
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League News:
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After a tense & barely controlable sit-down between Sly Drury and The Dark Menace - the following match has been signed for Month 4 Card 6:
No Disqualifications, No Count Outs, No Interferences For Double Ratings Points and $50,000.00 In Idiot Tax paid to the manager of the winning wrestler by the opponents manager - on account of the recent defection from Martial Law to Dark Menace Forces:
The Real Ordeal - Shayne vs Monolith
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Rumour Mill:
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Two people were overhead conversing on their way to Kennedy Air (and only recently) Space Port from a far off planet. They may have been former wrestlers from The GWF but nothing is confirmed. Supposedly they are father and son and when asked by the son what his fathers true intentions are with The LXG the father allegedly said - Break it...because my son...that is what I do best...I Break Things...
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(1) Fly on the Wall Report: Deliverance - A Fly on the Wall Report in 6 Parts
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Part 1. Vipers Pit:
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She Devil has convinced Sky Low Low, in between rounds of...Chinese Food, to hire someone she knew from a previous fed to do a talk show segment for all LXG cards.
His name is Pit Viper, according to She Devil he's; a ball buster, a real smart ass, has virtually no filter and says the most inappropriate things...especially to women...he's just like you...you'd love him.
Sky Low Low answered - He's hired!
She Devil - Awesome - Ill make the arrangements...hey maybe he can even pick up.
Sky Low Low - The prisioner along the way. Great behinds, I mean great minds - think alike Sweetcheeks.
Part 2. Life Imitates Art And Art Imitates Life:
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After being approached by Epoch with a very lucrative offer, the best smugglers Sly Drury has in Brooklyn faked their own death and convinced all that their truck full of 50 pounds of Swami's Stash had been stolen.
The two smugglers (down and out former comedians and actors - Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong), soon got into an argument over what they just did and what to do next as according to Chong - Drury is all sorts of crazy and Epoch scares the shit out of him. Cheech soon tries to get Chong to focus and think longer term with hopes of mucho dinero and - who knows man maybe space coke actually exists!
After Chong emphatically tells Cheech that they're not strong enough to shoplift and that - If you were psychic you would have already known that - when Cheech professes that maybe his bold brilliance is a sign of psychic ability; Cheech convinces Chong to pull over behind a seemingly abandoned LXG limousine parked over on the shoulder of The Belt Parkway to switch vehicles.
Part 3. Make Sure You Go Before You Leave:
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As Cheech and Chong load the 50 pounds of merchandise (which is now 49 1/2 pounds since they headed out from the pickup point in Montauk, Long Island), into the trunk of The LXG limousine, they continue to test the merchandise for "safety reasons" as they pull away from the shoulder abandoning their green van.
At this point the driver of the LXG limousine, former homeless man and soon to be wrestler Witness realizes that someone just stole his limo. He sees the green van, but it has four flats. In a state of raw panic now, he wanders into the right lane of The Belt Parkway causing a vehicle to suddenly and dangerously slow down.
The vehicle is a no less than a eight horse strong regal looking horse drawn carriage. The lone rider inside the carriage is none other than the emotionally unstable owner of The World Wide Empire - Wince McCant. Who upon leaving his Connecticut Castle has been following the limousine for sometime, believing it to hold a wrestler of his who had suddenly broke out of his dungeon and escaped the castle, more than likely with some help.
Wince yelled out to his carriage driver - "Never Mind This Asshole - _Ollow That Limo!!
Part 4. Cut To The Chase:
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As Cheech admired the photo of Gladiator of Aethra - Thrash, that was taped to the dashboard saying Aye Mamacita!! as he drove, the window opened up that seperated the passenger and driver sections startling the daylights out of the paranoid Chong.
It was a large man wearing a dark green mask.
Chong yelled To Cheech - Ah Shit!...I Think We Just Kinapped One Of The Avengers Man!
Pit Viper said - Where's our driver? Hey you guys smell great! Wait! This is awesome! Epoch wanted me to find you guys.
Chong looks into his rear view mirror and saw a guy (probably the driver) jump onto the back of the horse drawn carriage and start to chase them towards The LXG, as Wince McCant yelled out at an incredible volume to his driver - _ASTER! _ASTER! YOU _OOL!! YOU _OOL!!!
Chong told Cheech - I think I'm Freaking Out Man!
Pit Viper - Epoch wants me to hire you guys for my new show Vipers Pit as cameramen and what not to use as a front.
Cheech told Chong - Relax Holmes I got this.
(Then a low raspy voice emitted from the back of the passenger section):
Stone Cold Steve Austin - Don't worry Pit, Witness is on the back of McCan'ts carriage. Hey do either of you guys know where Sky Low Low is?...I've got to talk to him.
Pit Viper - We're all going to see him now.
Cheech & Chong in unison - We are?
?
Stone Cold Steve Austin - Hey I'll give one of you guys 100 bucks just to sit back here...Been a long time since I even sniffed Swami's Stash.
Tommy Chong - No Way...Never again Man...
Part 5. Sometimes You Just Have To Hold On and Clench Up:
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As poor Witness slowly climbed his way on top of Wince McCants Carriage and convinced Winces driver to let him sit next to him until they reach Cannonball Park, the chase was on.
Winces Carriage just couldn't keep up with the limo even with all the traffic. As Winces confused driver saw that the limo went past the LXG and barreled down 4th avenue, he kept up the chase but now Witness - the limo driver / aspiring LXG wrestler was gone.
The limo went a mile away from The LXG down 4th avenue and made a left onto 81st street - then made a quick escape down a shared driveway that led behind all of the houses on that street.
The limo turned off all its lights and everybody remained quiet...except Chong...who farts occassionally when he's nervous:
Tommy Chong (In a voice that's louder than he thinks) - Oh Shit I Farted Man.
Cheech Marin (Clasps his hand over Chongs mouth and loudly whispered to Chong) - Shut Up...You...Ass...hole!!
6. Finally:
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After both vehicles aggregately destroyed a few hot dog carts, multiple city mailboxes, a street light and a fire hydrant as a result of the chase, Wince McCants horse drawn carriage slowed down to listen for a while and then quickly sped down 81st street and started to inadvertently follow the wrong limo towards Shore Road - as a mile or so away, Witness was finally able to relieve himself on his favorite tree in Cannonball Park. He thought maybe they'll go easy on him because picking Pit Viper up at Kennedy Airport was only his first gig with The LXG - maybe theres a learning curve...
Pit Viper, Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong and Stone Cold Steve Austin slowly and quietly got out of the limo and made their way through the hole in the fence that led them into the backyard of 332 80th street - home of the apartments of Little Beaver, Sky Low Low/She Devil and The Wicked Monk.
Stone Cold Steve Austin - Hey...who was that chick on the dashboard?
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Month 4 - Card 6 Match Announcements:
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1. Killer Kowalski vs John Pesek.
2. One Man Gang with The Prince of Darkness - Kevin Sullivan vs Coven Black with his favorite valet - Brooklyn.
3. Butcher Vachon & Mad Dog Vachon vs The Greek Gods - Actagon & Proteus.
4. Briliant & Beautiful - Sensational Sherri Martel & Cheerleader Melissa vs The Superpowers - The Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff with Bobby The Brain Heenan - Feud Rematch - No Disqualifications No Count Outs.
5. The Lords of Flatbush Tournament: Team - Death And Destruction - Kevin Steen, Michael Elgin, Road Warrior Hawk & Road Warrior Animal vs Team - The Lords Of The Ring - George Hackenschmidt, Frank Gotch, Ed Strangler Lewis & Lou Thesz.
6. The Real Ordeal - Shayne vs. Monolith - No Disqualification, No Count Outs, No Interferences - For Double Ratings Points and $50,000.00 Idiot Tax Paid To The Winning Manager From The Losing Manager.
************ Vipers Pit - Episode 1 ************
7. HARDCORE TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH - LXG Hardcore Tag Team Champions The Flying Red Heads defend their titles vs The Masked Superstar & Mr. Fuji with Penny Banner.
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A League of Extraordinary Gentlemen...
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